Why God Wants the Colorado Rockies to Win the World Series - Page 3

Troy Tulowitzki - His entrance music is an R. Kelly song. All God's chillin got rhythm, but they ain't all got taste.

Outfielders

Jeff Baker - Wikipedia, take it away... "While at Clemson, Baker once took the same class two times by accident; he was halfway through the class the second time before he realized his error." "On August 10th of 2007, Baker was hit in the head by a pitch from the Cubs right-hander Jason Marquis. He suffered from a concussion, but he returned fine 3 weeks later." "Born June 21, 1981 in Bad Kissingen, Germany." God's played enough tricks on this kid, don't you think?

Brad Hawpe - Brad is Denver's answer to Rio's Christ the Redeemer. His arms open wide and his body is solid and strong. He provides witness to the Lord's creation at all times. Also, pigeons are constantly landing on him and soiling his uniform.

Matt Holliday - Maybe the Rockies are destined to win; maybe not. Matt's not selfish enough to subvert God's will. Still, he'd sure like to see some payback for all the batting gloves he's gone through this year due to the stigmata.

Seth Smith - God's little lost puppy dog. Aren't you a good platoon masher? Aren't you? Yes you are! Drop the bat! Drop the bat and run!

Ryan Spilborghs - The duck-billed platypus of the 2007 Rockies. Again, God works in mysterious ways.

Cory Sullivan - This is God's Cory Sullivan. There are many, many like him in Triple-A, but this is God's.

Willy Taveras - God's actually not too thrilled that Mercury, the Greek God of Speed, wormed his way back on the roster in time for the World Series. He doesn't need anyone reminding the world that polytheism used to be hip. Still, God's not gonna get uptight about it; God's an easy-going customer. We cool. We cool.

And a bonus entry! Aaron Cook, once and future ace, might end up on the roster after healing for a few months following an unfortunate ark-building accident. That's devotion, kids.

Enjoy your predeterminism, everyone; see you at the parade in Denver! (Oh, and leave the purple lamb at home.)

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