Why God Wants the Colorado Rockies to Win the World Series - Page 2

Josh Fogg - This could be God's way of launching Josh's second career as a boy detective. We'll know if this is the case if a beagle named Chaser leaps onto the field and into his waiting arms after the Series-clinching win.

Jeff Francis - God will use Jeff as his sword against tyranny by arranging for Jeff "Captain Laconic" Francis to be interviewed as much as possible during and after the Series, permanently sedating all His enemies. (Sure, he'll put everyone else to sleep, too, but no one said the Apocalypse wouldn’t be messy.)

Brian Fuentes - God wouldn't make Brian pitch in the arm-chipper Mariners system and the high altitude run-scoring machine that is Coors Field unless He had a higher purpose for Mr. Fuentes.

LaTroy Hawkins - Even God's a little surprised LaTroy Hawkins is still in baseball.

Matt Herges - God wants to tell everyone he loves scabs, too.

Ubaldo Jimenez - God created his right arm in His own image. Praise be to Dan O'Dowd for using his right hand to sign this fellow to God's Own Team.

Franklin Morales - God needed a left arm to go with the right one. God's ambidextrous, natch.

Ryan Speier - Ryan prayed to God that he could win a World Series ring so he could prove to his family that he's really a baseball player and not in the "import-export business" that requires him to travel so much and make so much money.

Catchers

Chris Iannetta - Kneel for the Lord, son. Kneel! (But only occasionally until you learn to hit breaking pitches.)

Yorvit Torrealba - God liked him enough to give him that badass name and a clutch home run or two. It doesn't seem fair that God would keep on giving to a backup catcher like this, but who are we to question His motives?

Infielders

Garrett Atkins - He babysits Matt Holliday's kids! Come on; even God thinks that's precious.

Jamey Carroll - He was a Montreal Expo, for Chrissakes. Rise, son; you have suffered enough.

Todd Helton - He's just a man with a man's courage, you know; he's nothing but a man, but he can never fail. No one but the pure in heart can find the Commissioner's Trophy. Whooooooa.

Kazuo Matsui - Careful and thorough theological study has yielded this Truth: God hates the Mets.

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