Why God Wants the Colorado Rockies to Win the World Series

As previously seen here on Blogcritics Nights, religion ends up in our sports in odd and unsatisfying ways that are less like an errant bar of chocolate jutting out of our jar of peanut butter and more like the understandable but unfortunate mistake a child makes when attempting to create peanut butter from scratch using its component words.

Again, God is in the details as the Colorado Rockies approach the World Series. They are quite devoted to their faith-based baseball initiatives, selecting the members of their team for their virtuous nature and strong faith. God has responded in kind, granting them a (dare it be said?) miraculous 21-1 record in their last 22 tussles with Evil.

We kid the Rockies, of course. If they find strength in their ability to follow a stringent set of arcane rules often subject to baffling interpretations by highly fallible local arbiters and edicts from on high by men put in power less for their ability to rule justly and more for their ability to protect the men already in power, then... uhm... actually, that sounds pretty useful right about now.

Don't waste your time arguing how many Rockies bandwagon fans can fit on the head of a Coors Light: here are 25 reasons the Rockies will prevail in their final Holy War of 2007, one for each player on the roster.

Pitchers

Jeremy Affeldt - Dude carried the cross of being the Anointed One for the Kansas City Royals so long that he got blisters on his fingers. God owes him a solid.

Taylor Buchholz - He once battled Kobe Bryant in H-O-R-S-E on a playground in Lower Merion Township, PA, until the Devil gave back Taylor's soul when Taylor shot Kobe full of love and Kobe couldn't respond. (Actually, Kobe responded in an eerie precedent to his troubles in Colorado later in life. The Devil was not amused and Taylor even less so.) God was pretty impressed by this, needless to say.

Manny Corpas - Manny could really use the World Series ring to respond to all the fat and/or dead jokes his name easily provides to the fertile creative community known as baseball fans. "I'm sorry, I can't hear you; I have my World Series ring on my middle finger pointed at you and it's blocking the sound waves."

Josh Fogg - This could be God's way of launching Josh's second career as a boy detective. We'll know if this is the case if a beagle named Chaser leaps onto the field and into his waiting arms after the Series-clinching win.

Jeff Francis - God will use Jeff as his sword against tyranny by arranging for Jeff "Captain Laconic" Francis to be interviewed as much as possible during and after the Series, permanently sedating all His enemies. (Sure, he'll put everyone else to sleep, too, but no one said the Apocalypse wouldn’t be messy.)

Brian Fuentes - God wouldn't make Brian pitch in the arm-chipper Mariners system and the high altitude run-scoring machine that is Coors Field unless He had a higher purpose for Mr. Fuentes.

LaTroy Hawkins - Even God's a little surprised LaTroy Hawkins is still in baseball.

Matt Herges - God wants to tell everyone he loves scabs, too.

Ubaldo Jimenez - God created his right arm in His own image. Praise be to Dan O'Dowd for using his right hand to sign this fellow to God's Own Team.

Franklin Morales - God needed a left arm to go with the right one. God's ambidextrous, natch.

Article Author: Tuffy

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