Yesterday's piece on the Rockies' special relationship with the Man Upstairs (no, not Norman Fell) caused a national crisis. Women rended their garments; men wept uncontrollably. How could it be possible that Our Lord and Savior would choose the li'l team from Denver over the Boston Red Sox? The protests could be seen on every major news channel.
Would you believe the blogosphere?
Would you believe this guy? (Hi there!)
Therefore, more research was undertaken. Charts were studied. Clergymen were consulted. Omens were portented. (Note to reader: get your omens fresh. Overripe omens do not portent well and leave a malodorous gift in your home that future generations will also enjoy.)
After all this hullabaloo, a small ray of hope shone through for Boston's finest. In the grand human hope of fair play (and the even more human attempt to cover all the bases when it comes to religion), here are 25 possible reasons God would put in a good word with Himself for the Red Sox to win the World Series:
Pitchers
Josh Beckett - If God don't like a huntin' n' fishin' good ol' boy that dates hot country singers and witches (but only on TV, promise), then God don't like nobody. Hell, God wishes he was Josh Beckett for a night or two.
Manny Delcarmen - Manny grew up in Boston, graduated from West Roxbury, and hosts more charity events than any other Red Sock, including (according to mlb.com) "..."Bowlin' Strikes for Schools" charity event at Ron's Gourmet Ice Cream and Bowling in Hyde Park, where Manny bowled as a kid." God wouldn't mind being Manuel for a few hours, either.
Eric Gagne - God will pass.
Jon Lester - If God lets the Red Sox lose the World Series, He's pro-cancer. There. It had to be said. God's not pro-cancer, is He?
Javier Lopez - Javier (Not Javy) Lopez used to play for the Rockies; God wouldn't move Javier from the World Series team and make him watch them win in person, would He? Of course not. When has God ever been cruel like that? (Right. Let's move on.)
Daisuke Matsuzaka - Boss George Bible: 1 John 4:9 - "In this was manifested the love of God toward us, because that God sent his only begotten Matsuzaka-san into the Harbor, that we might win through him."
Hideki Okajima - Boss George Bible: 1 John 4:10 - "When that went pear-shaped in September and October, God sent his newly begotten Okajima-san into the Harbor, that we might win through him instead. And don't mess it up."
Jonathan Papelbon - "The 2007 Red Sox were the best experience of my life. And now, they're all gone. And I miss every one of them. Why me? Why did I live so long? They're all dead... I'll tell you why. Because I'm a dancer!"
Curt Schilling - God wants Schilling to wear a iron-on photo of Him on his champagne-soaked T-shirt in the World Series champion locker room.
Mike Timlin - God and Timlin went to summer camp together, so He's kinda rooting for Li'l Mikey.
Article comments
1 - Benjamin Pray
Very funny stuff...the Shilling line kills me and Stuart...
2 - Michael J. West
Between the BoSox pennant and the Yankees' offseason, winning the World Series would merely be the icing on the cake at this point. :-)
3 - Bill from LA
God has nothing to do with who wins the game. I do know from what I have read acroos the country that the Red Sox fans are more childish than the Yankee fans. Maybe thats just an East Coast thing. Bad Sports Fans. Its only a game. I believe it only took Boston 92 years to win a World Series compared to their big brother, the Yankees who have won 26 World Series to date.
4 - C
God has nothing to do with who wins the world series, pro cancer? are you serious? You are the reason I hate the redsox.
5 - Mary K. Williams
First of all, this was a SATIRE. Even this Christian gets it. Although the cancer comment was questionable, over all - the piece was done for fun.
It must be said though, no one here in Boston says 'BoSox'.
6 - Mark Saleski
no one here in Boston says 'BoSox
...or "beantown" either.
just sayin'