Since the world has been inundated with the news of Tiger Woods’ alleged infidelities, I have to say that I’m completely appalled and fear for our survival as a nation.
Wow, am I really taking the news that Tiger Woods is actually a human being and not the (insert your well paying sponsor here) endorsed robot we all thought he was that hard? Actually, I’m just shocked that in the year 2009 TMZ that anyone alive actually cares about this. Is it possible to just release all of the tawdry emails, texts, tweets, and hopefully lurid, poorly filmed sex tapes and get this over with already?
You know who I feel sorry for? The SUV. Around 50% of those happy couples in wedding photos wind up getting divorced, and it’s always the car that winds up getting whacked with the golf club. Yes, if you ask me why my tears are being shed, it’s because of the damage done not to the Woods’ elaborate sham of a marriage, but to the damage done to that completely innocent Cadillac Escalade.
We’re currently embroiled in at least two wars that we know of, and our finest journalists are in all likelihood doing their best to determine exactly what club Sweden’s most successful ex-nanny used in an attempt to batter in her husband’s Nike Swoosh embossed dome.
Joy Behar: Allegedly Elin went after Tiger with a five iron, what do you think about that choice girls?
Whoopi Goldberg: Look, I’ve been in Elin’s shoes before and I have to tell you that when you are that angry with your man, you usually just grab the first club that is in reach. Having said that, I would have either gone for the 3 wood, which would have given her more distance, or the putter, because everyone knows that the putter contains the heaviest concentration of steel battering power in the entire bag.
If I’m supposed to believe Internet postings (and what could be more sane and logical than those?), there are millions of children across the country weeping at yet another hero that has let them down. Rubbish. It’s not 14-year-old kids that worship Tiger Woods, it’s well paid, middle-aged, white guys. The guys who play golf to get away from their wives. The guys who know everything there is to know about infidelity.
Tiger Woods is not a hero. Nelson Mandela was a hero. Martin Luther King was a hero. Jackie Robinson was a hero. Tiger Woods was the guy who turned down Bill Clinton’s invitation to honor Robinson after he won his first Masters.
Tiger Woods isn’t even really a golfer. Woods currently is believed to be worth about a billion dollars. Of that billion, less than $100 million, or about one tenth of his worth, has come from actually playing golf. Now $100 mil is nothing to sneeze at, but when you follow the money, it turns out that Tiger isn’t really a golfer at all, he’s a product endorser.
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Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - roger nowosielski
A timely article and good observations on the state of the nation. The fact that we have such idols, any idols, only tells about us as the people.
Perhaps you should have posted in the politics section rather than sports.
2 - Matthew T. Sussman
Because the sports section can't possibly provide anything of worth! Fuck those jocks, amiright, Roger?
3 - roger nowosielski
You guys are surely sensitive. This wasn't meant as a dig.
4 - Matthew T. Sussman
I can't think of any other reason why someone would suggest that a sports article about sports people belongs in the politics section. It's either incredibly condescending or remarkably asinine.
5 - Phillip Winn
Rawr!
Hilarious article, Brad. Well done, sir!
6 - roger nowosielski
What's really asinine, Sussman, is that in your utter devotion to your purported profession, you fail to realize this article is not about golf or sports in general but more a social commentary. So yes, you are being incredibly thin-skinned to take any kind of offense.
7 - Matthew T. Sussman
"this article is not about golf or sports in general but more a social commentary..."
...About sports.
Condescending it is then! Me like ball go through net.
8 - roger nowosielski
So do I, but there's time for sports and there's time for other things. So go ahead and watch the circus while Rome burns.
9 - Mark Saleski
gawd, this is some cynical stuff.
10 - Christine
Yeah, all this "idol worshipping" is pathetic. I like Kirk Cameron, however, I don't think he has all the answers. And this article would be good in sports and culture. Lastly, it goes to show you that all married people should keep their "woods" at home...adultery isn't good for anyone, except for the 'tabloids'. Good article Brad.
11 - roger nowosielski
And why shouldn't it be? Somehow, I can't get excited of late about the Yankees or the Titans or the Celtics.
Times must have changed.
12 - roger nowosielski
The amazing thing is, how the authorities are handling the affair with kid's gloves. Tiger is surely an idol.
13 - Boeke
Good article. Funny and pertinent!
14 - roger nowosielski
"Pertinent" is the key word, Sussman. Take note.
15 - Matthew T. Sussman
[crosses out "put articles pertinent to sports in sports"]
[writes "put articles pertinent to Roger's interests in politics"]
Oh, almost forgot!
[writes "buy hemorrhoid cream"]
16 - roger nowosielski
OK, Sussman. Your argumentative skills match Ruvy's and I gracefully or less gracefully withdraw.
I know when I've been beaten, and true to the spirit of sportsmanship, I concede. There's nothing worse than a bad loser, and I'm willing to live by that adage.
17 - Christine
Matt are having bowel problems? lol
18 - Silas Kain
Look at how this whole thing has devolved. Tiger had affairs. His wife was pissed. Now Tiger has to give his wife millions of dollars to preserve his image. The cable news networks, radio talk show hosts and the tabloids are having a collective grand orgasm.
And this affects us as a society... how? Oh, because Tiger Woods' story is so compelling; a saga of father-son devotion and the fact that he's, um, a minority? Role models aren't manufactured and packaged by Madison Avenue, folks. They're people like you -- the nurse who works in pediatrics who has to hold the hand of a kid dying of leukemia while providing comfort to the grieving parents. It's about the father who goes home exhausted after work but still takes the time to sit down with his kids and listen to what's happening in their lives and share experiences about life. It's about the Russian grandmother who after all her years of struggles comes to the United States and takes care of her grand babies while her children are out working to make enough money to keep food on the table, a roof over their heads and have a little extra to send back home to those who need it more. These people are role models, not Tiger Fucking Woods.
19 - roger nowosielski
But we are compelled, Silas, because none of us think our lives are real. So it's got to be Tiger so that we can live out our fantasies.
20 - El Bicho
Why would this go in politics? It's more about culture than it is about sports but Tiger is a straight male and Jet didn't write it
21 - Ruvy
But we are compelled, Silas, because none of us think our lives are real. So it's got to be Tiger so that we can live out our fantasies.
"none of us", Roger? There is enough condescension in your comments, here and elsewhere, to supply ten years worth of arrogant Hahvahd grads - who don't know jack shit - you know, like the kind of prick who is sitting in the White House right now, with a third of his mind on who he is going to screw on the side so Michelle doesn't take a butcher's knife to his balls.
Speak for yourself, sir. Maybe your life isn't real. But mine is. And those of my neighbors are. And there is enough drama going on in this little village of 500 to pale the tabloids and the stupid shits who write for cable - and even idiots like Foucault and Arendt.
Oh, and BTW, Matt Sussman doesn't argue like me at all. He'll take a few very well aimed pot shots at you and make them stick. I'd prefer to wipe the floor with your remarks. I may not get a clean floor - but I'll have a lot of fun.
22 - Jordan Richardson
As "real" as your life is, Ruvy, you still somehow manage to find time to shoot the breeze with the likes of us, the Great Unwashed. I'm amazed, really.
You're talented (for a bitter fossil, of course).
23 - roger nowosielski
"But we are compelled, Silas, because none of us think our lives are real. So it's got to be Tiger so that we can live out our fantasies."
Ruvy may be a competent Hebrew speaker, but he had clearly missed the boat on this one. "None of us" doesn't function here in the all-inclusive sense attributed to it.
You're right, El Bicho. Culture would be a better fit. But we don't know yet whether Tiger is "straight," so Jet may yet have a field day, which we shall all enjoy.
24 - Silas Kain
Trust me, Roger, Tiger is straight. Straight sexual indiscretions somehow fly under the radar until an opportune time. Gay indiscretions are punishable by character assassinations, or if Coburn Ensign and the Far Right had their way -- death. And I don't make these charges lightly. Do your research on how these pieces of political dog dung and their Christian counterparts are funding and supporting the advance of a law making homosexuality punishable by death in Uganda.
Again, Tiger never should have been a role model. And, thank God, he's fallen from the pedestal but not that far. After all, all he did was allegedly boink a female or two or a dozen. In C Street circles they can justify his indiscretions by having him come out and proclaim the Good News of the Lord. Then he will be a soldier of Christ and exempt from the laws that bind the rest of us heathens. The bottom line is that role models exist in our own backyards -- they even exist within the confines of your homes. We don't need Tiger Woods to be a role model. He's a damned golfer. I'll go one better. In my mind Ruvy is a role model -- not for his views but for his passion. Passion is what's missing in our lives.
25 - roger nowosielski
Can't take that away from Ruvy, though there is a very fine line, I'd say, between passion and fanaticism. Something which needs elucidating.
As to Tiger's sexual orientation, I was only trying to whet Jet's appetite.