Three Months of Silence for Agent Zero

After a few days, it's finally possible to speak about this without becoming apoplectic. Agent Zero is down. Washington Wizards guard Gilbert Arenas will be out for three months or more after apparently not healing compl...

...just a moment.

Okay.

Gilbert Arenas will be out for three months or more after apparently not healing completely from the left knee injury he suffered last season, despite a previous operation. This time, he was 'scoped, roto-rooted, and underwent the dreaded 'M-word': microfracture surgery. Supposedly, the type of microfracture surgery needed for Arenas has a greater record of success and requires far less recovery time; this explains why he will probably return this season. Probably. Hopefully.

Wizards fans and friends have taken it well, all things considered. Still, what happened? How could the NBA's most swag-a-riffic leading light be lost again for another huge chunk of the season, especially during the slog that is winter in the NBA?

All possibilities are being considered at this time. All copies of NBA Live '08 with Arenas on the cover have been gathered from all Washington, D.C. stores and burned ritually. Nachos have been banned from all Verizon Center concessions until further notice in fear that Gil's new catchphrase might have brought an ancient curse upon an otherwise blessed city.

Still, this all seems more superstition than science. No studies have been completed regarding the medical efficacy of nacho cheese-like substances, but it's likely to be a better placebo than a Hibachi. Also, the NBA Live cover curse can be boiled down to injury-prone players and/or the worst case of blue flu since Paul Bunyan's ill ox sneezed, coughed, and spit up the great state of Ohio.

The usual suspects have also been rounded up. Eddie Jordan has been called in by D.C. Metro police under suspicion of knee abuse, but it'll be a hard charge to make stick since Gil himself was an accomplice if he did come back too quickly from his previous injury. The giant lobster that ominously follows Arenas through his latest shoe ads has been pulled in; he's definitely in hot water now. Even Jeff Gillooly née Stone has been detained for questioning.

In the end, though, it may not matter how it happened. There's plenty of worries in the present tense. Gil's got a month to stew at home without any stress on the knee, thinking about his other recent fracture with the mother of his children. The puckish playfulness that Gil normally brings to all the good NBA girls and boys may be extinguished as he struggles through despised rehab a second time. (Maybe he'll take it more seriously this time.)

Here's hoping Gil comes out the other side hearty, hale, and phenomenal while suppressing the urge to rush back and prove his worth as he opts out of his contract for free agent dollars (likely from the Wizards). Until then, NBA fans will turn their attention to his replacement, Antonio Daniels. Surely Antonio will bring many hours of entertainment to fans and teammates alike.

Oh, God. Come back soon, Agent Zero. Hurry.

Article Author: Tuffy

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