The last time the Texas Rangers and Baltimore Orioles played a series together, there was some serious fly humpin' going on. Tuesday night, the Orioles themselves were bent up against the rail, clenching their teeth during a 30-3 defeat.
Yes. Thirty runs. Thirty baseball players touched home plate. Football score? Well, that's almost a tennis score.
No team has ever scored 30 runs in a game since I played RBI Baseball on my Nintendo last night. But in real games, no team in the 20th century or since has plated 30 runs in a single game. Of course, it happened quite often in the 19th century. In the perfidious days of Reconstruction, carpetbaggers would pilfer bases from poor families, often getting into scoring position and repossessing homes 10, 20, sometimes 30 at a time, before three Yankees would get caught scurrying between bases.
The 30-3 box score flourishes with anomalies, aberrations, and other nuggets that make you so damn glad you're not an Orioles fan. The game at least started out promising for Baltimore, as they jumped out to a 3-0 lead after three innings. That's when Texas added five runs in the fourth, then nine more in the sixth to put the game out of reach. For good measure, Texas scored 10 runs in the eighth inning, putting a crescendo to the affair with a paltry six in the ninth. Jarrod Saltalamacchia and Ramon Vazquez, the Rangers' 8th and 9th hitters, each went 4-for-7 with two home runs and 7 RBI.
Prior to Tuesday night, 16 of the 30 major league teams hadn't even given up 30 runs in the last seven days. Among those teams: the Orioles. Well, Baltimore's pitching isn't horrible — statistically, it's middle-of-the-road (4.38). However, they give up the third most walks in the majors, with Tuesday night's dubious game putting them over the 500 mark for the season.
But the most humiliating facet of this game? This was just Game 1 of a doubleheader. The Orioles couldn't just shower off the stench of failure, sleep, and pray that tomorrow would yield better results. They had to show their faces in public, in uniform, and try to win a game against the very same players.
Imagine a moment where, while you were at work, you fucked up so bad that you were certain you'd be fired at the end of the day. But, rather than being shown the door by security as the office laughed at you behind your back, the supervisor tells you that you still have to work the rest of the afternoon while the office laughs at you in your face as you pore through an Excel spreadsheet. At this point, you're still better off than the Orioles, because you're reading an article about them based on actual events, and merely a hypothetical about yourself.
"A sinister cabal of superior writers."
Article comments
1 - RJ
Amusing article, MS. As always.
Is it permissible to make a request? If so, I would like to request a Matt Suss article on the crucial Tigers-Indians series that is currently taking place.
Bear in mind, if this request is not fulfilled, I'll be forced to read Mitch Albom. Help!
2 - Dr Dreadful
I think it just got to a point where the Orioles pitcher and fielders looked at the score, thought, "Oh, fuck it", and just stopped trying.
I remember a similar freak result a few months ago when I flew from Fresno to Honolulu. On my plane was the Fresno State softball team, which I understand (I'm not a big follower of American college sports) is one of the best in the country. They were traveling to an away game against Hawaii.
Reading the Honolulu Advertiser a couple of days later, I discovered that Fresno had been hammered 18-2, and that it might have been even worse had the game not been halted after the fifth inning due to the WAC's "mercy rule".
If scores like this weren't so exciting and unusual (not to mention funny, unless it's your team on the wrong end of the twatting), I'd almost suggest introducing a similar rule in baseball.
3 - Jon Sobel
Oh, no mercy rule in baseball please! These games are too rare and entertaining. Similarly, we might want to dispense with that quaint habit of "resigning" in chess.
4 - Matthew T. Sussman
That's why they get paid the big bucks -- humiliation is part of the contract.
5 - nevins
Pour, not pore.
6 - STM
DD: "I think it just got to a point where the Orioles pitcher and fielders looked at the score, thought, "Oh, fuck it", and just stopped trying."
Geez, Doc, you disappoint ... shouldn't you be watching the cricket, rather than rounders??
7 - alessandro nicolo
STM, spoken like a true Commonwealther. Not that I get cricket.
8 - Tan The Man
Talk about monster bumps in ERA for the poor O's pitchers: Daniel Cabrera (4.93 to 5.10) which is not too bad for a SP, Brian Burres (4.45 to 5.24), Rob Bell (4.18 to 6.14), and Paul Shuey (6.75 to 9.49).
YIKES.
9 - Dr Dreadful
STM, I wasn't watching the game, but one could hardly miss that scoreline...