Tuffy: Major League Baseball may be inquiring into the potential use of performance enhancing drugs by Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez. They have also formally launched an investigation into rumors that the American League has recently started using a special hitter of some type instead of letting pitchers hit.
Suss: The 135th running of the Kentucky Derby was won by 50-1 long shot Mine That Bird, becoming the second gelding in the last seven races to win the Derby after a 74-year drought. In a related story, Sergio Garcia has announced that prior to the U.S. Open, he will have a vasectomy.
Tuffy: Reports from near Geneva that the Large Hadron Collider would be online soon excited NBA referee Steve Javie so much that he called a foul on Bulls center Brad Miller for the collision.
Suss: Evander Holyfield attended a screening of the movie Tyson, which had footage of his ear getting bitten off during that famous 1997 fight. Midway through the movie the ear danced around the screen, urging patrons to buy concessions.
Tuffy: Swine flu concerns shut down numerous high school and college athletic events across the nation to prevent large gatherings that could spread the disease. The Washington Nationals have made no plans to cancel any home games.
Suss: And finally, after pressuring from international scrutiny, a 50-year-old Saudi Arabian man has agreed to divorce his 9-year-old wife. When told about the news, USC coach Pete Carroll said, "so, can she play tailback?"
Charlie Doherty's "What Were They Thinking?"
Uno - Andy Pettitte, ignoring Jacoby Ellsbury stealing home plate, even when forewarned
Dos - Thomas McCoy, school educator who surfed ESPN.com while students engaged in sex acts
Tres - Guy LaFleur, for lying in court to protect son, Mark, who's been charged with 23 criminal counts
Cuarto - Usain Bolt, for speeding on a rainy highway (result: car crash)
Cinco - Torquay Tigers, Australian football club, for their all-white/KKK ad