A partial transcript of this week's Treehouse Fort:
Tuffy: Michael Vick competed with the Philadelphia Eagles for the first time in over two years in a preseason tussle. Reports allege after the game that Vick told a friend that it "feels great" to be playing again, even if it is the "dog days of August." Apologies are planned at eight-hour intervals for the next two weeks.
Suss: A plastic bag gently grazed Tom Brady's shoulder, triggering a sensor and notifying fantasy football websites that he could be injured. When reached for comment, Byron Leftwich said, "phew, that could've been me."
Tuffy: Tiger Woods lost again this weekend at The Barclays, leading some to wonder if Tiger has lost focus due to his vast fortune and family commitments. However, Woods insisted after the tournament that was not the case while admitting he has been losing sleep while anxiously awaiting the new Jay Leno show.
Suss: The actual Whizzinator used by former running back Onterrio Smith sold at an auction for $750. The winner, Jerry Jones, plans to install it on the Cowboys Stadium video board and aim it toward punter Mat McBriar.
Tuffy: Kurt Rambis has hired Bill Laimbeer as an assistant in Minnesota for next year's Timberwolves season, marking the first time in recorded history that a guy with glasses actually followed through on the threat that the bully that beat him endlessly would work for him someday. (Note: George McFly's indirect use of time travel disqualifies him from consideration.)
Suss: And finally, a market research firm that tracks online trends found Ball State football to be 15th in online popularity, despite them not receiving a single vote in the coaches poll. Online projections do have Ball State reaching a bowl game, however, expecting to face the "Erin Andrews Fighting Peepholes."
Charlie Doherty's "What Were They Thinking?"
Broncos wide receiver Brandon Marshall, for getting himself suspended for acting like a 12-year-old during on-field practice
Craig Ladiser, for unzipping pants at a golf tournament and unleashing a terrible sex metaphor
Former Kentucky coach Billy Gillispie, for his DUI
Brazilian soccer club officials, for threatening players with guns
Bolivian soccer player Sergio Jauregui, for dropkicking an opponent in the face in retaliation
The "Brett The Goat" woman who tied up a goat painted in Vikings colors, locked it in her car trunk and was going to kill it
Article comments
1 - Dexter Fishmore
Welcome back, Whizzinator! How my life has missed you.
I must, however, issue a slight but crucial correction: the actual device that Onterrio Smith used is the "Original Whizzinator," a detail that I love because it means that someone, somewhere marketed a knock-off, generic whizzinator.
2 - Matthew T. Sussman
So it's an actual Original. But is it authentic?