• No police blotter would be complete without an appearance from a Cincinnati Bengal — you know, the team whose coach believes the players are being profiled by the police. In this case we have Chris Henry, who failed a drug test while on probation for a weapons charge in Florida. Turns out he was also serving suspended sentences in Kentucky and Ohio. That's right, he was simultaneously on probation in one state while serving suspended sentences in two others. I can’t imagine why such a person would be profiled. Looks like Chris will be spending some time in the pokey — possibly multiple pokeys — so it's just as well he got an 8-game suspension.
• Not to be outdone, former players were bringing their A-games to the scandal sheets too. NFL Players Association president Gene Upshaw was under fire from a slew of retired players because they believe the union hasn’t done enough to help out the old guys who didn't have the benefits of the current players in their time. In response to one player's criticism, Upshaw simply stated that he was going to break his damn neck if he saw him. This triggered more horrors: Mike Ditka actually attempted to engage in a serious debate and Bryant Gumbel actually managed to get more obnoxious, something I would have thought impossible. In essence the whole thing played out at roughly the same level of reason you would find in the comments at digg.com.
There were also the now standard domestic disturbances and DUIs and minor pot infractions, all of which can help your team to a Turd Watch title, but there were two pantheon level performances that stood head and shoulders above the rest. Let's start with the walking absurdity known as Pacman Jones.
Pacman has amassed a remarkable track record going all the way back to his days at West Virginia. There's a summary over at ESPN that details nine incidents since 2005 in which Pacman successfully found trouble. The most recent incident, on February 19 of this year, is the one that really put Pacman over the top.
We all know the story: he was at a strip club with his entourage and started showering the stage with cash ($1 bills, of course). What happened next is a matter of some contention, but it was clear that it was not Pacman's intent that the money be kept by the strippers, because a fight broke out when he tried to get it back. One side of the story is that he tried to take it back and was attacked by a stripper. The other side is that he assaulted a stripper for trying to pick the money up. One wonders why he didn't just spit in her face, as seems to be his policy with women.
Article comments
1 - RJ
Ah! Welcome back Mr. Mazzotta.
I full anticipate predicting every single game, every single week this NFL season, for the third year in a row. My goal this year is to thrash Theismann so badly in the weekly picks that he retires from ESPN with a compound fracture to his manhood. Also, I want to make Merril Hoge cry on live national television.
I'm somewhat unsure which of these goals is more realistic.
2 - Tinkerbell
One can only hope that Vick is subject to the same treatment to which he subjected those poor dogs...fighting to the death, electrocution, rape stands, starvation, chaining, maiming. And if he ever plays again and loses? Just like what he did to his dogs, may NFL fans raise his body above their heads and slam him to the ground, ending his life.
Even that would be too good for him.
3 - Matthew T. Sussman
I'm holding out for the news that there's a third Vick brother, and he's a med student or something.
The advent of Mazzotta means the football season is near. [Single tear]
4 - david mazzotta
Poor Joe is still wandering around in a daze about being booted from the Monday night booth, now RJ is out to finish him. He'll be wishing he for the good old days of Lawrence Taylor bearing down on him after this.
5 - Thomas Robinson
Well see how wrong you were, this thing with Michael Vick was more than just a misdemeanor. So could you have been wrong about anything else in this article and others you write.