The Rock Slide: Tell Congress To Fix Yao Ming's Knee

Lead: The first person to throw rocks on a team.

Stop me if you've heard this before. Ken Griffey, Jr. broke his hand. And he wasn't even diving for a ball. He was simply playing with his kids at home.

While the rest of the Reds may don the new uniforms in 2007, the jersey designer best make one for Griffey out of polystyrene.

Second: The second person to throw rocks on a team.

Equally injured is Yao Ming. Thing is, this isn't Yao's offseason. His bum knee will sideline him at least six weeks. To replace their 7'6" center, the Houston Rockets plan to glue two streetballin' kids together, end-to-end. (Hey, it worked in the cartoons.) Failing that, they could ask Professor Farnsworth if his mutants aren't doing anything.

Sweep: To brush in front of the thrown rock with one's broom, which heats the ice and allows the rock to travel further and keep it on target.

Philadelphia may boo Santa Claus and Terrell Owens, but the former mortal enemy befuddled the latter on Christmas. As a result, the Eagles have swept the season series with the division rival Cowboys, 23-7. They now lead the NFC East behind Jeff Garcia.

If the media wants Donovan McNabb to succeed, and Garcia, who is part-Mexican, leads the Eagles to the playoffs, then is half of Lou Dobbs right when he says they're taking good-paying jobs from hard-working Americans?

Come-around: A rock that curls around a guard and lands behind it.

The Arizona Diamondbacks have made an offer to the New York Yankees to trade for their former ace, Randy Johnson. Now 43 and recovering from offseason back surgery, Johnson's fastball isn't what it used to be. In fact, it's about as fast as Hootie Johnson's fastball.

So not only do the Detroit Tigers trade for overpriced Gary Sheffield, but now the Diamondbacks — and Padres, 'tis rumored — are inquiring about Johnson and his $16 million salary. Why exactly are all these teams willing to absorb the Pinstripes' payroll when they could get a perfectly capable Gil Meche for dirt cheap?

Article Author: Matthew T. Sussman

Sussman is the sports editor of BC Magazine and the executive editor of Technorati. He also writes for Deadspin and Toledo Free Press. He and Tuffy can be heard hosting the Treehouse Fort, Sundays at 12 noon ET. Plus, he Twitters. …

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