The REAL Super Bowl Mayoral Wager

Let's muster a Bronx cheer for Jim Cassella and his camera-hungry ways. The mayor of East Rutherford, NJ, has hit upon a nifty bit of PR for his little borough today by using the dead time between football matches to demand his town be recognized as the official home of the Meadowlands and the New York Giants for the purposes of taxation, representation, and ridiculous publicity stunt bets between towns for sporting events of moderate-to-major import.

Of course, he's onto something technically: the Giants are residents of New York City/State as much as Anaheim is a suburb of Los Angeles. Therefore, it seems wrong to leave the poor guy hanging for his sole chance at the national spotlight during his mayoral reign that doesn't involve the phrases "school shooting" or "elderly woman crashes Cadillac through public market."

Therefore, I will step in and accept the wager on behalf of the Patriots' "hometown." I, acting as Foxborough mayor (home of Gillette Stadium and the Patriots), demand to receive the following if my Patriots win the Super Bowl:

• 10 gallons of Hackensack Bottled Water and Flashlight Fluid
• Both black East Rutherford residents
• Cookies from Jason Kidd's Baking Emporium and Gift Shop
• A copy of Copland signed by Borough Council member Saverio "Sam" Stallone (no relation)
• East Rutherford native Dick Vitale's throat ulcers
• Hudson Group (East Rutherford's other business) coupons for purchasing magazines and bottled water at half price at Newark International Airport (must be used between 2 and 6 am)
• Jason Kidd
• Michael Strahan's missing tooth (contingent on divorce proceedings)
• Permission to stay in New Orleans and never having to return to East Rutherford, NJ

On the other hand, I must put up a package representative of Foxborough, MA, in return. If Mayor Cassella's own New York Giants should prove victorious, I will provide the following items to him out of my own pocket since Foxborough actually can't settle on one mayor and is run by a Board of Selectmen suspiciously similar to an anarcho-syndicalist commune:

• The extra letters tacked pretentiously onto "Foxboro"
• A slightly used signed John Cena (Foxborough legend) leotard
• Three heavily tanned white residents of Foxborough (they've got both kinds: country *and* western!)
• Two free passes to Funway USA, the miniature golf and bumper boat emporium that is like no other on its block
• A slightly used signed Tom Brady (Foxborough legend) leotard
• A second reason to visit Foxborough to be named later

...uhm. I know you're just looking out for your own borough, Mayor Cassella, but why would you want to enter into a friendly wager with the five-headed beast that runs Foxborough like a wooded sanctuary from anything remotely interesting? You can't possibly win. (Well, that and you're choosing the Giants as your avatar in this mythic battle. You could've chosen better, especially for a guy with two NFL teams in his town.)

Still, I will honor this wager with you, Mayor Cassella, if you so wish. I will pose with the pile of crap and give the thumbs up to the camera, as if I won't just shove this garbage into the nearest swamp in East Rutherford. (Helpful hint: swing your deceased feline until you hit one with a sickeningly moist thud. Won't take more than a few moments.)

Next time, though, maybe you should work on improving your wager that the Jets and Giants won't ditch your crappy stadium for something with 100% more luxury boxes and 100% fewer rodents of unusual size. The stakes seem to be much higher there and winning much more important.

Article Author: Tuffy

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