My boy Marcus gave me a call last Thursday and invited me to the Cincinnati Bengals/Pittsburgh Steelers game in Cincinnati, Ohio. The doctors were going to induce his wife on Sunday, the day of the game, if she had not given birth to their first child. “Are you sure about this,” I asked him?
“Yeah, we already talked about this before the season started.”
If the father of the baby was in, then so was I. My wife sat in sheer disbelief when I told her the news. Marcus’ story continued to grow in mythic proportions throughout the weekend.
As luck would have it, Marcus’ wife, Kelly, gave birth to a beautiful, bouncing baby boy at 11:45 p.m. Saturday night. That’s 12 hours and 15 minutes prior to kickoff. Marcus thought it was too late to give me a call to tell me the exciting news, so he waited until Sunday morning. I’m on Paxil for a couple different reasons. Waiting patiently is one of them. I tossed and turned all night, maybe catching a full uninterrupted hour of sleep.
I was wide awake at 7 a.m. Sunday morning. I was even a little nervous. I was starting to freak myself out a little bit. As a lifelong Cleveland Browns fan, was I nervous and excited about my great friends having their first child, or could I be nervous for the game? I could never be nervous for the Bungals, could I? I don’t want to make light of the struggles that a young homosexual man faces when coming out of the closet, but I couldn’t help but feel a similar struggle with the new skeletons in my closet.
Marcus called when I was in the shower and left a message. “We’re still on, I screamed,” jolting my wife awake.
I met Marcus at 1:00, 3 ½ hours before kickoff. It may have been a little on the early side, Grandpa Sandwasher early, but I didn’t mind. I was focused on only one thing, the NFL playoffs. I had the single-mindedness of a drunken guy in college at 3:30 in the morning valiantly trying to find a pizza place still open.
Marcus wanted to stop by Cardboard Heroes in Cincinnati Mills to buy his new baby boy Bengals gear. Did the Sandwasher willing go to the mall? I thought the Sandwasher hates malls? I would have willingly gone to a colonoscopy on this day if that meant going to the game (no offense Uncle Kevin).
Article comments
1 - Matthew T. Sussman
My vote for the baby's name: Houshmandzadeh.
2 - M.D. Sandwasher
Houshmandzadeh Waggoner has a nice ring to it.
3 - Uncle Kevin
Sandwasher, you're out of the family.
I can forgive you wanting to go to the game with your friend, the new father. Please pass along my congratulations to Marcus.
I can forgive you looking forward to the playoff atmosphere.
I can forgive you having a restless night before the game, unsure if you were going or not.
I can even forgive you rooting for the home team over the hated Steelers for your father-in-law.
But I CANNOT forgive you wearing the Bungles colors. As Jackie Chiles from Seinfeld fame would say, "It's traitorous, treacherous, ridiculous."
The fact that the curse worked so quickly is no excuse. Perhaps if you had remained neutral, both team'squarterbacks would have had their knees ruined and, suddenly, the Browns would be the favorites to win the North next year.
I was with you in jumping on the Idiot's bandwagon in 2004. The Red Sox were fun and we have no ties to the American League. This is different. The Bungles are threatening to be good for the next decade and you wore their colors.
Oh, the humanity!
4 - M.D. Sandwasher
1993: The year I lost my father, metaphorically speaking-That was the same year the evil genius Bill Belichick cut Bernie Kosar for "Diminished Skills." It hurt be badly at that age. I still haven't loved a sports star the same way since, but at 14, I was able to move on. My father wasn’t able to.
1995: The late Art Modell announces the Cleveland Browns will be moving to Baltimore. At 16, I was dealing with a lot of crap, my parents bitter divorce for one, and the devil (Modell) was taking away one of the few important things in my life. I'm still not quite over the move. I think I watched a total of 3 NFL games, including Super Bowls, during the Browns absence.
1999-2006: The expansion Browns returned in 1999. Free of Modell's ineptitude, the new Browns were supposed to be different. Even though I have never had a favorite player or a player that I halfway liked during the course of the last 7 years for that matter, I aligned my heart with this franchise. Even though I hate the new sterile stadium that holds about the same amount of charm as a correctional facility, I've had some good memories there. My Uncle Kevin took me to my first game with the new Browns during the expansion year, and he also took me to the playoff clinching game against the Atlanta Falcons in 2002, to name a few. As my dad and I worked to rekindle our relationship, having the Browns back as a common interest was instrumental to the development.
But, if I reexamine the last 12 years as a Browns fan, they have been the most difficult and treacherous of any sports fan. We lost our football messiah and our team in a 2-year period, and then we had to deal with the frustrations and growing pains of an expansion franchise. The new administration has all the same dysfunctions as the old Browns.
When my Uncle Kevin called December 30th, 2006, and said the Browns were going to fire General Manager Phil Savage, I was absolutely speechless. That doesn't happen very often. It really made me reexamine my life. What am I doing wasting my life away for this team? Why am I giving up so much of my heart and soul for this team year-after-year? When am I ever going to see a payoff? Right not, I am not even thinking of a Super Bowl. I would just like a team that could manage successive first downs. A defense that could stop a team on third down every once in a while. A team that could manage to beat Pittsburgh at least once every couple of years. I'm willing to take baby steps. When will this team?
I really haven't been the same since Uncle Kevin told me the news. But, could I ever like another team? No, of course not. If that was going to happen, it would have had to been during 1996-1998, when the Browns were in exile. I link the Bengals shirt to that of a middle-aged man buying a convertible. Even though he’s having a midlife crisis, does he love his family any less? I think not. Would I give up the chance, that's probably the slimmest of odds, to one day celebrate with my dad, uncle, and friends over a Super Bowl win? Never.
-By the way, hilarious post Uncle Kevin. I knew I was going to get some grief. I just didn't think it was going to be so funny.
5 - Justene
We are Steeler fans. It took a lot of convincing to get my husband to even read your post.
"Is he a Steeler fan?"
"No."
"He's a Bengals fan?"
"Um, no."
"What?"
"He's a Browns fan."
"WHAT?"
I begged. He read. It was worth it.
6 - M.D. Sandwasher
Justene,
Excellent comments!!! I didn’t know I could feel this close to Steelers fans.
Did anyone ever see the Seinfeld episode where Jerry’s dentist converts to Judaism, so he could make Jewish jokes? Well, my college roommate loved the Steelers. For 7 years, I had to put up with all his ranting and raving about his boys from the Iron City. So, I feel after enduring and surviving that, I am entitled to a few jokes every now and then (i.e. Like the Goatee joke, and I apologize for that Justene).
I would be happy to watch a Steelers game with you and your husband, drinking a couple of Iron City Beers anytime. I really feel a spiritual connection.
7 - M.D. Sandwasher
When writing this article, I was fully expecting to get blasted by Steelers fans. I was more than a little surprised to read Justene's comments. Simply put, Justene got it.
I think Steelers and Browns fans have a beautiful, respectful hatred for one another. The Steelers are like the big brother that is everyone's favorite. All the breaks always go their way, and the big brother can never do anything wrong. The Browns on the other hand, are kind of like the little brother that was an accident. Conceived right before his 40-year-old parents bought a summer home and a boat. Was arrested before he could drive, and has screwed up so many times that his utter and complete incompetence is now expected.
It may not be the family that the parents had envisioned when they were married, but it’s still a family nonetheless. All the members of the family will be forever linked to one another. That, in a nutshell, describes the Cleveland Browns and Pittsburgh Steelers rivalry.
8 - Dad Sandwasher
Did you see Art Modell DID NOT make it as a hall of fame finalist this year? There is a God.
Je'Kel Foster is my favorite Buckeye of all time. I would trade three of the Thad five for two more years of this guy. By the way I don't even care about next year I love this team. Nobody plays harder or more unselfishly than these guys do, sometimes they make too many passes, which hasn't been the case on any team for 20 years. did you see Dials go to the floor for a loose ball with 5 minutes to go and the ball in Purdue's backcourt, ahead by 20? Frickin unbelievable. I woke Shannon up from a deep sleep on the couch for that one. These guys might make March a great month for us. Fill in your bracket now. An LSU-OSU rematch in the final four. Remember you heard it here first.
M.D., I don't think I know who you are anymore. Wearing a Bengals shirt? I about got sick in the store when we had to buy a sweatshirt for Paige last year. Were you actually excited? I may be stupid but when I heard Palmer got hurt(paige called me at work) my first thought was what a great day to be a BROWNS fan. I'm hoping it was just your lack of sleep talking, although I would have slept like a baby the night before that game. Actually I'm hoping you have a ghost writer and that wasn't even you.
Stay Classy,
Dad Sandwasher