Then we have some minor rumors and absurdities. Joe Theismann suggested himself as a replacement for Matt Millen. That Detroiters shrugged and said "Why not?" succinctly defines the Lions organization. Out west, somebody jostled Al Davis' brain-in-a-jar and he asked Lane Kiffin to voluntarily give up 2 years at 2 million quatloos so he could crown Dennis Green's ass. And ESPN's Dan Patrick owes me a new keyboard for referring to Jessica Simpson as Yoko Romo.
But the off-season show I'm looking forward to most is the epic drama of Bill Parcells trying to fix the Miami Dolphins. The Fins are an unmitigated train wreck. The litany of thickheadedness seems endless but it all came to a head before the end of the season. Keith Traylor got in a dust-up with some teammates over a game of dominos, then free agent bust/casino brawler Joey Porter took the opportunity to call Cam Cameron a coward in front of the whole team. These are the kinds of incidents you get on a 1-15 team. The situation has been festering for a while. Nick Saban's desertion. Duante Culpepper over Drew Brees. Tedd Ginn — Tedd Ginn?? Innumerable starting QBs. Ricky Williams coming and going. You can even go back to Dan Marino bailing as GM after a few days. It's just been one head shaker after another. This year, the only thing Miami is going to win is the Turd Watch over at PFT.
The most optimistic thing you can say is that the Dolphins hit rock bottom. This is why I am positive about the Parcells' era. There is absolutely no move he can make that won't be justifiable at this point. Anything is possible. If he saves this mess it will be the crowning achievement of his career, and that's saying something. I just hope HBO Sports has him miked up and is following him around with a camera. No — two cameras: one on Parcells, and one on whoever he is talking to. I would spring for pay-per-view to see the expression on faces of Ricky Williams or Joey Porter during a dressing down from the Tuna. I want to see the look on Jeff Ireland's face every time Parcells makes a "suggestion" about personnel. I want to see him tell Trent Green about his plans for him and see Trent reply, "Trent? That's me, right?" HBO, are you listening?
Article comments
1 - RJ Elliott
It's been fun, David. See you in September (or so)!
2 - Matthew T. Sussman
I'm just gonna read, like, 1/5 of this every day until Friday, that way I get all Mazzotta all the time, but also because who the hell can finish this article in one day.
3 - david mazzotta
Thanks RJ. Back at ya.
Suss -- Print it out and leave it next to the toilet. Then hit your local Taco Bell for dinner.
4 - El Bicho
"My prediction is that we are treated to a boring Pats victory by at least a couple of touchdowns. An unsurprising end to an unsurprising season.
Unlike Peyton, I'm not bummed about the season ending this time around."
Nice prediction. Did you not see the close game these teams played to end the regular season? Peyton didn't look bummed as he watched the game.
5 - david mazzotta
ELI! ELI! ELI!
Woot! 4 straight quarters of pressure on teh Brady! Yes!
'72 Dolphins rule!!!!