The important lesson in any writing that invokes Super Bowl bets is such: don't try this at home with actual money, because I'm not. Instead, I'm collecting a childhood's trove of unused Legend of Zelda rupees.
I can't count the number of times I've played the game, or beaten it, but quite often the story would end with Link having a hefty pocketful of wealth. And, like a studious and responsible young citizen, I invested it all in my imaginary video game currency high yield savings account.
• Coin toss: Heads -105, Tails -105
Historically the Super Bowl has been 22 heads and 21 tails. I suppose probability says to opt for the hindside, but my gut tells me there's only a 50 percent change of that happening. One shiny rupee for this opener for the head.
• First team scores: Saints +125, Colts -155
Betting on the underdog is so hot. Plus, it makes sense because, like, the Saints have a good offense and stuff. It only makes sense to put seven on this.
Carrie Underwood sings the national anthem in 1:42: Over +120, Under -150
Always, always, ALWAYS pick the over on "The-Star Spangled Banner." This also applies to anything involving stealth bombers. That's worth 25.
• Top Super Bowl Commercial: Anheuser-Busch or Budweiser 5:8, GoDaddy.com 8:1, Career Builder 8:1, Coca-Cola 7:1, Family First 12:1, Doritos 2:1, Other 13:5
The "top" ad is whichever commercial gets the high score on USA Today's annual Ad Meter. Last year's top ten:
Bud Light 7.49
The fatty orange triangles snapped a 10-year Anheuser-Busch winning streak, and here's why: their shtick is still amusing, but it's getting old. They'll probably get in four or five respectable commercials, but currently they're the New England Patriots of Super Bowl ads. It's someone else's turn, and I'll gladly go with a job listing company who can certainly resonate with an unemployed and underemployed populous. But I'm broke. So we'll keep the wager low.