Some Cinematically-Inspired NBA Predictions

With the NBA season fast approaching, let's take a peek at how the 30 squads will compare to one another. And for all you cinephiles out there, try to spot the movie reference accompanying each team (which will be about as difficult as making Manu Ginobli flop)!

Atlantic Division

1. Boston Celtics, 58-24: With Rajon Rondo’s post-season ascension, a clever media takes to calling him, KG, Paul Pierce, and Ray Allen the Fantastic 4. Following the script, Rondo, as the Invisible Woman, will end up marrying Garnett in this year’s sequel.

2. Philadelphia 76ers, 45-37: Looming larger than life in his new town, Philly fans and teammate look in awe at the terrifying Elton Brand. With zero fourth-quarter assists on the year, it’s apparent no one wants to take the Monster’s Ball, at least not with the game on the line.

3. Toronto Raptors, 43-39: Rumor has it Andrea Bargnani, the No. 1 pick from 2006, underwent an intense offseason workout regimen. Secretly, though, Bargnani has been training as an undercover assassin, as succeeding in the NBA not something he ever really Wanted (as evidenced by last season’s abysmal performance).

4. New Jersey Nets, 34-48 On a new squad and still utilizing incomprehensible English, Yi Jianlian continues his transformation into Wall-E by befriending one of the Continental Airlines Arena cockroaches (and, in a scientific find of the decade, inadvertently discovering actual vegetation in North Jersey).

5. New York Knicks, 12-70: Stephon Marbury’s downward spiral continues as the point guard claims he goes spelunking in the nude, eats live pigeons before gamedays, and actually enjoyed The Happening. Somewhere, Freud and Isiah Thomas smile.

Central Division

1. Cleveland Cavaliers, 52-30: With a swift rebuke from Cavs owner Dan Gilbert, King James comes clean on his future in Cleveland: Will he stay? “Definitely, (Maybe).”

2. Detroit Pistons, 50-32: After Rasheed Wallace, Tayshaun Prince, and Rip Hamilton all retire to form a break-dance troupe, “The Motown Movers,” first-year Pistons coach Michael Curry looks to Rodney Stuckey to Step Up. Stuckey feels the beat, leading the Pistons back to the Eastern Conference Finals.

3. Chicago Bulls, 40-42: Seeking Atonement for last year’s horrific implosion, Joakim Noah offers to sacrifice his hair, turning it into some Hot Fuzz via blowtorch. (Oh man, two movies for the price of one Joakim Noah-has-awful-hair joke! Sweet!)

4. Milwaukee Bucks, 31-51: Still smarting from his team’s humiliating loss to the USA in the Olympics, Andrew Bogut, a native of Australia, retaliates by sending every member of the Redeem Team live crocodiles. And thus, the legacy of Steve Irwin lives on.

Article Author: Casey Michel

Casey Michel is a student at Rice University who, despite a Pacific Northwest rearing, somehow found himself in Houston. He bleeds Blazers black and Mariners blue, and likes to think his teams are always just ONE player away.

Visit Casey Michel's author page — Casey Michel's Blog