• Must sign a petition to return Boomer the Beaver to his rightful place in PGE Park.
• Must wear a bullet-proof vest when traveling on the East Side. (Okay, this one’s a joke — Portland’s safer than the Bubble Boy, and Hawthorne St.’s bistro- and Shins-lovers won’t try to hustle you as you pass them by, unless it’s for your opinion on Gus Van Sant.)
• Must be terrified of three centimeters of snow.
• Must not time travel to 1815 and get Shanghai’d in one of Portland’s underground tunnels. I mean, you can, but do you really want to sweep the poop deck as some pirate’s slave?
• Must always see a Major League Baseball team just beyond the horizon, knowing that one day, the politicians, team owners, and city officials will all be on the same page, bringing the Portland Cascades from my dreams to a downtown ballpark.
• Must convince at least three people to place “Nader/LaDuke 2000” signs in their front yards, and keep them there through Nov. 4.
• Must have seen The Hunted, Mr. Brooks, and Are We There Yet? and despised every one of them.
• Must know what geoducks and tree octopi are. (If not, feel free to look them up — you won’t be disappointed. Well, maybe you will, but that really depends on your standards.)
• Must claim East Coast bias on everything from NBA predictions to food reviews, because let’s face it, it’s always there.
• Must revile Bob Whitsitt, love Martell’s shooting stroke, guess Oden’s age, miss Kevin Duckworth, steal one of Brian Grant’s dreads, want Bill Schonely as a surrogate grandfather, admire Jason Quick, feel for Sam Bowie, smoke with Bill Walton, and name first child “Clyde” (or, if it’s a girl, “The Glide.”)
If you have read and understood the stipulations for Blazers bandwagoning and are still interested in this unique and vaunted position, please contact recruiters at Remember1977@RoseGarden.com, JRRidersnipple@ArvydasSabonisWasSmoove.com, or DariusLovesMoCheeks@BonziBlackouts.com.
NB: If you use umbrellas, nuh-uh, thanks but no thanks. None of those namby-pamby water shields — only Columbia Sportswear up here, kid.
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