So... How 'Bout Those Patriots?

I thought I’d take my feelings of intense deep-seated violence and bury them deep down within my being, as us Mainers are prone to do; and instead focus my attentions on the Patriots for a change.

Whereas the 2009 Red Sox season might be juuust about over, the 2009 Patriots season has only just begun. Let’s take a quick run down the roster and see what the team’s gonna look like this upcoming season. Don’t consider this the season preview, per se. We’ll go more in depth as the preseason progresses, take a look at the schedule, the division and everything else. We’ll start at the bottom and work our way to the top.

SPECIAL TEAMS
Four years ago, we had the number one kicker in the NFL. This year, we have the number one kicker in the NFL. Stephen Gostkowski is one of the most accurate kickers in the history of the league (knocks on wood). The Pro Bowl kicker who is two and a half months younger than me (guh) figures to keep improving. Our punter Chris Hanson has finished another offseason of capturing pedophiles and is looking forward to a season full of—aw, who cares, he’s the punter. Matt Slater, whom I’m pretty sure was a Saved By The Bell character, will return kicks. And Wes Welker, whom is quite scrappy (white), will return punts.

SECONDARY
Leigh Bodden was a huge acquisition for the Patriots as they haven’t had a true cornerback since the Reagan administration. (Or at least since Asante Samuel..) He will be joined on the front lines by Jonathan Wilhite and Terrance Wheatley. Wilhite’s got the slight edge for the starting job. He came in last season to replace Deltha O’Neal, who I’ve come to believe was some sort of elaborate prank put on by Belichick & Kraft. Good one, gang. Shawn Springs and rookie Darius Butler round out one of the best cornerback groups the franchise has ever seen. James Sanders has the edge over ex-Bear Brandon McGowan for the free safety spot, and Golden Panther-stomper Brandon Meriweather is our strong safety of the future (and the present) and possibly a candidate for Defensive Player of the Year this season. (I did not smoke crack before writing this column, I usually do that afterwards in celebration of a job well done.)

Article Author: Ethan Booker

Ethan Booker was born & raised in Holden, ME. A graduate of James Madison University, he now resides in Los Angeles, CA. He is patiently awaiting casting for the live-action adaptation of Battletoads. He will be reading for the part of 'Rash.'

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