Send Canadian Parliament to Penalty Box For Slashing Shane Doan

Be forewarned, this story is one that would make any indifferent apolitical gent – or gal – nervy about the state of political affairs in a country we call Canada. Canada is a Native word that means “group of huts” by the way. You know, in case it matters. It could be a great icebreaker at a party. “Hey, did you know Canada was originally spelled Kanata?” Cana-wha? Kana-who?

Shane Doan. If you’ve never heard of him now you will. Doan is a hockey player for the Phoenix Coyotes who was named captain of Team Canada at the recently concluded World Hockey Championships. His nomination led to a surreal and lamentable showcase of opportunistic and shameful political games in Ottawa, the captain – er, capital – of Canada.

Specifically, a couple of weeks back Mr. Doan was made the focal figure in the Canadian parliament by some very bored politicians. It seems that some took offense to Shane Doan leading our obscure collection of hockey heroes into Moscow.

Let’s backtrack. In 2005, it was alleged that Shane Doan called a French-Canadian linesman (if you’re looking for street cred in Quebec – and I think you are – French-Canadian is also a Quebecois to nationalists) a “fucking Frenchman” or “fucking frog.”

The NHL investigated and discovered that Doan didn’t utter those words, but another player did. It was further admitted that it was a European player, who probably did not understand the implications of those words, was the culprit. In the heat of the battle – to borrow one of those cheesy sports clichés - things get said and done. Let it rest. End of story right?

Nah-ah. Unfortunately, it did not end there. Liberal Party MP Denis Coderre – with little, if any, proof, proceeded to smear Doan’s name demanding an apology to Quebecers among other things. The die had been cast. Doan was public enemy number two in the province that never stops whining and playing the victim card. The gloves were off.

That was 2005, and the story should have ended with Doan cleared and Coderre banished to St. Pierre and Miquelon.

But noooo, the French press kept hammering at the story. In their minds, the damn Anglophones were part of a cover up. The truth must come out! In their minds, they were the purveyors of great journalism. It turned out, Shane Doan had told Curtis Joseph, following a penalty, something to the affect of, “four French refs in Montreal, do the math.”

Evil. Pure racist evil.

For this, Quebec sports writers on the French side feasted like lions on Christians. Then, Parliament ridiculously got involved and this is where everything became stupid.

Article Author: Alessandro Nicolo

Alessandro Nicolo is an obtuse freelance writer living in obscene obscurity.

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