Satire: Who Does Lance Armstrong Think He Is?

And now, for your reading pleasure, a scene from Lance Armstrong’s recent therapy session in which the chatty, highly-critical shrink dissects Lance’s recent decision to rejoin the Tour de France.

Tell me, Lance — who do you think you are? Michael Jordan?

Sure, you were both the greatest of your sport, bringing fans to their feet and royalty to their knees. And your names are both synonymous with complete success, although you never stuck your tongue out when crossing under L’Arc de Triomph. Your dedication to such a unique craft was unequaled and rewarded with the highest accolades Tony Kornheiser and Michael Wilbon could ever bestow.

But MJ had it easy, Lance. He had actual teammates, not those punks you have out shoving rival riders to the side. He had Pippen, Kerr, Kukoc, and the Worm. You have, what, Floyd Landis? The guy who blamed Jack Daniels on his failed drug test? Now, now, I’m not implying you doped too — you offered to post your lab results online, which is only fair — but to come back on a “team” sponsored by a city in Kazakhstan? Is this the sequel to Borat or something?

I know he got three more rings during the first comeback, but you gotta remember that MJ stayed in shape as a season-long promotion for the Birmingham Barons. You’ve merely toured the country (including Rice!) as a spokesperson for cancer research. Not exactly the most physically exerting task, if you ask me.

And I don’t even need to remind you of MJ’s Washington Wizards campaign — although in fairness, at least you won’t have to team up with Kwame Brown.

Still, Lance, who do you think you are? Brett Favre?

Again, I see the resemblance — you’re both grizzled, you’ve both fought back from terrible adversity (you had testicular cancer, he’s from Mississippi), and you can both draw bigger crowds than Woodstock.

But Favre’s decision to come back wasn’t without its share of problems, Lance. The guy’s return was more divisive than the Iraq War and Sarah Palin’s new haircut combined. There were cries of treason heard from the flowing hills of Appleton, Wisconsin, to the snow-covered cherry trees of Oshkosh, Wisconsin. And all the while the New York Jets, a team more forgotten than Roseanne Barr, were put back on the map. You’re not saying you want Roseanne back, are you, Lance?

Article Author: Casey Michel

Casey Michel is a Returned Peace Corps Volunteer from Kazakhstan.

Visit Casey Michel's author page — Casey Michel's Blog