Satire: To Bob Kraft, Human Winning Machine

Dear Robert K. Kraft,

We have noted your busy day Sunday from afar and wish to congratulate you. We cannot help but admire your devotion to success at all costs.

At 9 am PST (Patriots Standard Time), you stepped off your helicopter and boarded your Gulfstream in Boston (at a private airport, no doubt; no one likes flying out of Logan) and landed in Washington, D.C. in time to occupy the catbird seat at RFK Stadium to watch your New England Revolution battle the Houston Dynamo for the second season in a row in the MLS Cup, a quaint little soccer final we have come to enjoy here. ABC's announcers spent a good one-forty-fifth of the contest fellating you as the best thing to happen to American soccer since Pelé (or perhaps David Hirshey).

We were sad to note that your Revolution came to an end in the final game for the third time in a row (and fourth in six years). Still, we know you will eventually persevere; you say you want a revolution and the first one did go so very well for you and yours the first time around in New England.

After that bitter pill, you probably received another helly ride to the local airport of your choice for a trip no man makes after September of his own volition: trudging off to Buffalo. Still, you made it in plenty of time to see your Patriot boys take perfection into double digits with a 56-10 victory over the Bills. There was no doubt you would make it, of course, after you encouraged NBC and the NFL to select the game as a 'flex' game to be moved to the evening. You're a man that likes his schedule just so and knows how to get it that way; we appreciate that.

Article Author: Tuffy

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