Satire: The Olympics So Far - Page 4

Three US swimmers (including you-know-who) win gold in quick succession. This upsets the medal ceremony sound crew, who are getting fed up with putting the "Star-Spangled Banner" CD back in its jewel case only to have to keep taking it out again.

Bizarre scoring in the women's all-around gymnastics. American Nastia Liukin prances delightfully across the balance beam like an angel in a meadow of cherry blossoms, and receives a 13.675. She is followed by China's Jiang Yuyuan, who barely makes it onto the beam without falling, spends a few painful seconds lurching and wobbling back and forth like a demented gibbon, misjudges her dismount completely, and disappears down an open manhole into the arena basement. This display is promptly rewarded with a 16.125. Gymnastics legend Nellie Kim, head of the technical committee, marches sternly over to the judges and warns them that if they don't get real she'll make them do the beam exercise wearing only their shirts. The scores are quietly revised.

Dr Dreadful has been greatly enjoying the first week of the Olympics, but there is a party of four waiting to use the table he is sitting at and the waiter is getting annoyed, as attending to them is keeping him from slipping back into the kitchen to watch the weightlifting competition. On his way out, the Doc will take just a few more seconds of his time to book a table for next weekend, so that he can report on the rest of the Games.

(Apparently China is doing in the weightlifting arena what the Americans are doing in the swimming pool. Oddly, though, the sound people never seem to tire of playing "March of the Volunteers".)

Article Author: Dr Dreadful

Dr Dreadful is an expat Brit living in Fresno, California. He agreed to move there after his wife told him she was from California, but now wishes he had inquired more deeply when he asked her to describe her hometown and she responded that words failed her. …

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