Satire: The Olympics So Far - Page 3

The Chinese continue their domination in the gymnastics hall by winning the men's team event. Meanwhile, the US takes gold in the men's "Woo Yeah! Show Them How It's Done! USA, Baby! That's How We Roll!" team event for the 29th straight Olympics.

Day 6

An item on the BBC website points out that if Michael Phelps were his own country, he would currently be fourth in the overall medals table. Encouraged by this, Phelps applies and is accepted for membership in the UN, and France surrenders to him on principle.

Chastened by their nation's loss of gold and bragging rights to the US in the men's freestyle relay, the French 4x200m women's relay team holds a press conference to clarify that, unlike their male counterparts, they have not come to Beijing to crush the Americans but merely to encroach on their personal space a bit. This piece of diplomacy fails to yield results, however, as the French finish a distant fifth.

In a matchup with no political overtones whatsoever, Georgia defeated Russia in women's beach volleyball. The nobility of the two pairs in continuing with the match despite the war between their two countries is somewhat dimmed by the disclosure that the Georgian women are actually Brazilians. Russian President Dmitri Medvedev announces that his country is studying reports of aggression against the Russian emigré community in São Paulo, and refuses to rule out military action against Brazil.

Back in the swimming pool, China's Pang Jiaying wins her semi-final in the women's 100m freestyle, but is disqualified for a false start. China responds by invading Taiwan.

Still fretting over their position in the medals table, but encouraged by their teams' performances so far in basketball, baseball, softball, and beach volleyball, the US Olympic Committee lobbies the IOC to include in the next Games even more sports that are only played in America, including arena football, NASCAR racing, and horseshoes. Not to be outdone, the Canadians file an application to make their version of football an Olympic sport, on the grounds that it would give them at least an 8% chance of winning a medal.

Day 7

The end of the first week's competition finally sees the start of the track and field events in the Olympic Stadium, which has lain unused since the opening ceremony. Sprint stars Usain Bolt, Asafa Powell, and Tyson Gay come safely through their 100m heats, but admit afterwards that seeing the stadium without hordes of crazed drummers and a guy running sideways around the roof takes a bit of getting used to.

Article Author: Dr Dreadful

Dr Dreadful is an expat Brit living in Fresno, California. He agreed to move there after his wife told him she was from California, but now wishes he had inquired more deeply when he asked her to describe her hometown and she responded that words failed her. …

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