Satire: The Olympics So Far - Page 2

Day 4

Much has been made of the possibility that, for the first time, China may top the USA in the final medals table. They currently lead the medals race with six golds to the Americans' three. The US points out that they still have more medals in total when you include silvers, bronzes, pewters, and the one for second prize in a zucchini-growing competition that Tyson Gay found in a planter outside his room in the Olympic Village.

Cycling: Nicole Cook clinches Great Britain's first gold of the Games in the women's road race. In the finest tradition of the sport, three-quarters of the field, four judges, the guy who hangs medals around people's necks, and the pace car driver's grandmother are disqualified for doping.

Abhinav Bindra makes history by winning India's first ever individual Olympic gold in the 10m air pistol. Whereas most athletes in these circumstances would receive a congratulatory phone call from their country's head of state, Bindra gets a curt e-mail from his mother admonishing him for playing games when he should be studying. In his next event, Bindra can be spotted sheepishly making notes from a medical textbook in between rounds.

Led by Michael Phelps, the USA crushes France in their grudge match to win gold in the men's 4x100m freestyle relay. Expert examination of TV replays reveals that Phelps expended more calories celebrating than he did in the actual race.

China, still insisting that all the members of their women's gymnastics team are 16, submits a request to the IOC to allow diaper-changing breaks in between events. Speaking through an interpreter, Chinese coach Lu Shan Zhen denies rumors that their three reserve gymnasts are an embryo, a zygote, and a twinkle in her father's eye.

Day 5

It emerges that Lin Miaoke, the little girl who sang "Ode to the Motherland" at the opening ceremony, lip-synched another girl's performance. Apparently Yang Peiyi, who actually did the singing, was pulled at the last moment because of her crooked teeth. Lord Coe, the chairman of the British organizing committee for the 2012 Olympics, immediately announces that Yang has been signed to perform at the opening ceremony in London.

Michael Phelps, swimming his 84th race in three days, eases off in his semi-final of the 200m butterfly, winning it in merely an Olympic record time. A minute and a half later he follows this up by winning the 200m freestyle for a record tenth career gold and his fourth world record in Beijing. However, unhappy with the margin by which he beat the record, he jumps back into the pool and swims the entire race again, bettering his previous time by three seconds.

Article Author: Dr Dreadful

Dr Dreadful is an expat Brit living in Fresno, California. He agreed to move there after his wife told him she was from California, but now wishes he had inquired more deeply when he asked her to describe her hometown and she responded that words failed her. …

Visit Dr Dreadful's author page — Dr Dreadful's Blog