Satire: The Olympics So Far

Live from Dr Dreadful in Beijing. Well, all right then, the Beijing Kitchen Chinese Restaurant in Clovis, California, which has free wi-fi.

Day 1

The Chinese spend their entire GNP on the most lavish and spectacular opening ceremony the Olympic Games has ever seen. Afterwards, the organizing committee for London 2012 admits that it will be a hard act to follow, and that they may rethink their original concept of offering everyone a cup of tea.

Day 2

The first official day of competition gets under way, although in actual fact the soccer tournaments have been quietly going on since the middle of last week, hoping no one would notice. This is seen as a feasibility study for the possible inclusion of cricket in future Olympics: due to the length of the average cricket match, IOC analysts have recommended that qualifying would need to start soon if the sport is to be included in the 2016 Games.

Greek sprinter Anastasios Gousis achieves the distinction of being the first athlete sent home from the Games for failing a drug test. He's the 14th member of the Greek contingent to lose his Olympics place for using a banned substance. NBC statisticians extrapolate that at the rate they're going, the last clean member of the Greek team will have tested positive by approximately 11.30 a.m. on day 3. At a hastily convened press conference, opening ceremony flag bearer Ilias Iliadis explains that the team are purposely trying to get disqualified: they've been pining since the end of the Games in Athens and there's a general feeling that if they can't have the Olympics in Greece, they don't want to be in them at all.

Day 3

Heart-stopping moments in Beijing as swimming legend Michael Phelps embarks on his quest for an unprecedented eight gold medals. It is initially thought that he has fallen off the start block at the beginning of his 400m individual medley final, but it transpires that he has already finished the race in world record time while the other swimmers were still lining up.

China wins gold in women's synchronized diving with a flawless performance. Following a rigorous examination of the platform and pool, the judges report that they can find no evidence of mirrors or other trickery, even though TV close-ups of the two Chinese divers, Guo Jingjing and Guo Jingjing Wu Minxia, show that they both have moles and scars in the exact same places.

US beach volleyball star Kerri Walsh loses her wedding ring in the sand during a match. After an extensive search, it is eventually found by a stadium groundskeeper who presents it to the relieved Walsh. Unfortunately, due to the language barrier, the groundskeeper is under the impression that he is now engaged to Walsh, and is reported to be closely scrutinizing the men's beach volleyball competition in search of a suitable best man.

Article Author: Dr Dreadful

Dr Dreadful is an expat Brit living in Fresno, California. He agreed to move there after his wife told him she was from California, but now wishes he had inquired more deeply when he asked her to describe her hometown and she responded that words failed her. …

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