Under Sir Alex's tutelage, Beckham grew into quite the football player, moving quickly up the Manchester United ladder to the first team. Beckham became caught up in a whirlwind of publicity and adoration after intercepting a corner kick in Wimbledon and kicking home a goal from 100 yards away that split the Wimbledon keeper in twain. (No worries; he got better.)
Beckham's legend only grew as he found each new hairstyle gifted him with different powers. A wavy look allowed him to kick the ball in a whirlwind, picking up the opposing defense and spinning them to the four corners of the stadium. His flattop trim gifted him with the ability to split into three Beckhams: Blue, White, and Red. While vacationing in Maui, he found his cornrows gave him the power to heal a colony of leper orphans in Maui with a free kick over the colony's huts.
Despite his many successes while serving Sir Alex and the British crown (including meritorious service for MI-5 during the 1998 World Cup), Beckham found he had to flee Great Britain after an unfortunate choice of words near an open mic in 2002. A partial transcript follows:
"...I mean, Princess Di was a right lass for a royal, but not much of a looker compared to my Vicki. Right there, girl? Vicki? Where are... oh, there you are! I swear, she turns sideways and disappears from view. There's my girl. That's my princess, I tell you rightly. Why, I wouldn't even kick Di to Terry for him to head home, if you catch me..."Having sullied the honor of Saint Diana of Wales, Beckham tried his best to apologize for his indiscretion. However, no amount of public sorrow could appease the shocked and indignant British. Beckham gathered his family and, under cover of darkness, smuggled them to Spain, where the women were much hotter and no one could disagree with such a statement.
Beckham's life got no better in the short term. An unfortunate mohawk-related accident partially blinded Victoria Beckham, forcing her to wear ungodly wraparound sunglasses implanted with technology much like the kind LaVar Burton was forced to adopt after an oddly similar incident on the set of Reading Rainbow. It was at this time that Beckham permanently adopted a buzzcut.
Also, his play suffered from the strain, only allowing him to score a relatively meager 84 goals and 47 assists in limited time in 2003-2004. His attempts to join the England squad for international matches also fared poorly, as no one would pass him the ball for two years for fear of similar retribution from British fans.
Article comments
1 - Scott Butki
This is hilarious. I just seeded it at Newsvine.
2 - Dr Dreadful
Almost as hilarious as the Google ads that popped up at the bottom of the article: the DVD of MI-5 and The Complete Book of Hair Styling.
3 - Dr Dreadful
It's a strange and somewhat sad fact that David Beckham's hair has been selected for the England squad more times than the golden boy himself.
4 - Christopher Rose
Great stuff, Tuffy!
5 - alessandro nicolo
Beckham and Jeter. The immigrant and the Native. Together they - with the help with Aquaman of course - will take on the terrorists.
Funny article.
6 - Candygram
1. No wayyyy Vicki is better looking than Di.
2. Tom Cruise would like to know which hairstyle will provide Beckham with the powers of a Scientologist, as he is desperately trying to ensnare the oft shy couple.
3. Didn't Beckham leave the US team due to an injury or somethin'?
I swear he played like 2 games and ran back to Englund on crutches.
4. Love the article. You should do these more often!