David Beckham completed his initiation into the American soccer scene Saturday night, participating (in only the strictest sense of the term) in the last few minutes of a 1-0 shellacking of the LA Galaxy by Chelsea. His arrival, though, brings an excitement to Major League Soccer it has yet to enjoy. The Home Depot Center was packed with Who's Now, thrilled to have a place to be seen by so many others to show their ability to get the hottest ticket in town.
However, most of those in attendance in Carson, California, and watching around these United States were blissfully unaware of the Legend of David Beckham. As a favor to the public hungry for any scrap of knowledge about him, ESPN put together a Beckham-besotted package for display just before the match.
If you did not see the six-hour extravaganza, do not rend your garments in despair. I have summarized the events of David Beckham's life below as presented by ESPN. After reading this, you may again move freely amongst your friends and co-workers, absent the shame of not knowing the glory that is David Beckham.
(Note: I may have had the sound muted and been forced to extrapolate much of this information through lip-reading due to ample evidence from multiple sources that Beckham's voice sounds much like the Geico gecko and Bonnie Bernstein's voice sounds much like the pathetic shell of a reporter turned celebrity whore.)
David Robert Joseph Beckham was pulled fully formed from the forehead of Sir Alex Ferguson on May 2, 1975, after having carnal knowledge of a hairdresser in London. Beckham was deposited in the loving arms of this hairdresser and her kitchen fitter husband to be raised secretly, hiding from the evil forces of Communism, Thatcher, and Arsenal.
His footie skills were almost immediately evident. As he entered school for the first time, the shy child made a beeline directly for the corner of the room and refused to leave it. When teachers finally coaxed him from the edge of the room, they found he could not read or communicate. When they let him retreat to the corner again, his work improved immensely. (He was still a disaster at finger paints, a typical trait for fledgling football players.)
Early on, Sir Alex watched his protégé and kept him close while trying not to draw too much attention. He even let young David don the outfit of the Manchester United mascot at age 11. Unfortunately, Beckham's tendency to return balls kicked off the pitch with 85 yard blasts into the net brought too much focus on him, forcing Sir Alex to bring Beckham into the fold early.