Polluting the child - Everyone loves to tell the child just how miserable the other parent is. Even people without children (usually relatives) love to tell children their parents are useless human beings that should be turned into Twinkie fillings. Again, this pisses off the judge. Instead, change tactics. Place doubt in the other parent that they are a good parent. Never let on you're having problems. Always appear as if you have never been stressed in your life. Pay teachers to say, "It's a shame; <child> always seems to do poorly on <day after child visits other parent>. Why do you think that is?" (Football player addendum: You have hundreds of thousands of fans (exception: Buffalo, Arizona, AFL) depending on your success. If you hint the proceedings are taking so much out of you that you may not perform at your best, you'll get plenty of help. Also, pay her relatives to skip family events. When the child asks why Grandma doesn't come over for Christmas anymore, have Grandma respond, "I'm sure your mother can explain.")
6. Tuffy quizzes each of you (as per legal requirements) to see if you've learned something. Quiz questions may include:
- What did you learn today?
- What are the names of your children? (You may confer.)
- Can you get me a beer?
- What week should I bet against your team?
- Asuccessfulcourseparticipantsayswhat?
7. Tuffy signs your slip from the judge and you may go. (Football player addendum: Bring an autographed football gift-wrapped in $20 bills and skip steps 1-6. High-five to celebrate football player's sperm's potency is optional.)
State standards: None, obviously. They left Tuffy in charge.
Article Author: Tuffy
Tuffy cares about you. While others have neglected you, Tuffy has not forgotten you. Just lie back and think of Tuffy. Tuffy keeps his work at Refrigerator Logic at 40 degrees F.
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Article comments
1 - RJ
"(Football player addendum: Hire a large blonde man named Brock to handle all transportation and protection for the child. He should own his own experimental jet already.)"
Ah, a Venture Bros. fan! I dislike you even less already! ;-/
2 - lisa
Is it coincidence that the sponsoring ad at the end is for Trojans?
3 - Matthew T. Sussman
Tuffy, you're supposed to put leather patches on a tweed jacket, not the other way around.
4 - Tuffy
lisa: no coincidence.
Matthew T. Sussman, Esq.: Are there any other restrictions on leather patches? Because... well, never mind.