Satire: Parenting for Dummies and/or Middle Linebackers - Page 2

Materials: Tuffy's Simple Guide... Kit (textbook, CD-ROM, worksheets, Web site, indirect expression dolls (with convertible and summer house), over-the-counter medication, T-shirt, etc.)  Cost: $249.99

Time: 180 minutes (45 minutes if everyone plays along; Tuffy gets paid by the session, not by the hour)

Procedure:
1. Tuffy has class introduce themselves and express one flaw they'd like to address in themselves during class.

2. After 2 minutes, Tuffy becomes bored and chooses to call all men John and all women Marsha.  Tuffy also declares the flaw to be worked on outside of class is to stop being so painfully dull.

3. Tuffy waxes poetic about the special joy children have brought to our lives and how we should treat them like the tiny treasures they are.

4. Everyone has a good belly laugh.

5. Tuffy recommends key issues to be addressed to keep the legal process moving smoothly. They can include but are not limited to:

• Transportation - Once the child is old enough to ride a bicycle, this should not be an issue.  Do not force your child to become dependent on vehicles.  This addresses time management, childhood obesity, and global warming.  If you live more than 300 miles apart, get the child a pilot's license. (Football player addendum: Hire a large blonde man named Brock to handle all transportation and protection for the child.  He should own his own experimental jet already.)

• Alimony - Look, just pay it.  Everyone likes to think they're really showing everyone just how much control they have by withholding alimony, but you end up looking like a six-year-old pissing his pants in the middle of Wal-Mart when his mom won't buy him a toy.  Also, it really pisses off the judge.  (Football player addendum: Instead, use your lawyers to lower the alimony constantly.  Let the experts do their job; you wouldn't let your CPA handle passing downs.)
  Continued on the next page Page 1 — Page 2 — Page 3