Satire: Parenting for Dummies and/or Middle Linebackers

As you may have heard, Brian Urlacher has picked up a bad habit from Elijah Dukes, using the text messaging feature on his cellular device to send inappropriate messages to Tyna Robertson, the mother of his 2-year-old son.  Supposedly, she returned the favor as both burned up the cellular towers with their tête-à-tête.

As an indirect reaction to the pettiness, a Will County judge has ordered both of them into parenting class as per county law.  This three-hour class is intended to "lessen the negative emotional impact of the (custody) process on the children, and maximize the children's healthy psychological and social development."

It has not been reported, however, that the teacher of that class has been named.  Yours truly has been pegged to administer the seminar, as I have experience in child psychology, pre-prenatal development, and advanced slothery.  (Also, I work cheaply.)

To help others suffering through this unfortunate situation, I have provided my lesson plan below.  Please modify the plan to meet your emotional, psychological, and legal needs. 

WILL COUNTY, IL, PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND CONFLICT RESOLUTION SEMINAR

(a.k.a. "Tuffy's Simple Guide to Avoid Raising an Emotionally Distant Felon Without Exercise or Dieting")

Overview: You're using your child as a weapon against the other parent, which is pissing off the judge and making your life hell.  However, there are many other subtle and not-so-subtle weapons to wield against that miserable excuse for a biped while still lowering the number of times you're dragged into court. 

Objective(s): Get the law off your effin' back; not waste time in a stupid parenting class; score brownie points with the judge for when you want to move out of state with your new genetic materials recipient and demand full custody; look out for the health and welfare of your child.

Article Author: Tuffy

Tuffy cares about you. While others have neglected you, Tuffy has not forgotten you. Just lie back and think of Tuffy. Tuffy keeps his work at Refrigerator Logic at 40 degrees F.

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