Satire: LeBron and the Magic Yankees Cap

From the Desk of Maverick Carter, Agent to LeBron James

Subject: The Yankees Cap

LeBron James apologizes to the cities of Cleveland and New York City for supporting the Yankees in the 2007 playoffs and then backing his friends and his community by cheering for the Indians after they eliminated the Yankees in convincing fashion.

As noted by the éminence grise of Turner Sports, Craig Sager, Mr. James expressed devotion in the most successful teams of his prepubescence. Mr. Sager referred to Mr. James as a "front-runner," which was of course true when he was 7. He has stuck to those teams since, rooting for the local franchises only out of an esprit de corps with those around him.

Mr. James now understands his role as a sports fan much better. He understands he cannot have divided loyalties or express opinions that are mildly controversial.

He pledges to rend his garments in desperation when the Yankees lose. He will call for the ouster of one or more participants in the Yankees season as a sacrifice upon the altar of public outrage and then caress the blood into his skin. He shall keep no counsel besides that of Jim from Akron, calling Richie and the Raunchster at WHAT in Cleveland.

He shall also cease to enjoy any sporting event except through the prism of his beloved Yankees. All other teams' home parks shall be visited by Mr. James during the 2007-2008 NBA season, whereupon he shall urinate on the wall of the park and then walk around the outside of the premises, shouting, "Who dat, Babe Ruth! Who dat!"

Any mention of another ballplayer that does not serve the Yankees shall be followed by a series of expletives and spitting upon the ground, even if he should be friends with said athlete or share the same agent. A direct confrontation with a non-Yankee player shall cause Mr. James to invite said player to orally pleasure himself immediately.

Finally, once the searing pain of the Yankees' defeat in 2008 is assured, he promises to put a revolver in his mouth and splatter his brains against the wall in a convincing rendition of Suzyn Waldman's breakdown. Clearly, this will be the only way to prove his lack of sophistication and make him more like the "fan's fan." He hopes you can find it in your hearts to forgive him.

P.S. The Sudan can piss up a rope.

Article Author: Tuffy

Tuffy cares about you. While others have neglected you, Tuffy has not forgotten you. Just lie back and think of Tuffy. Tuffy keeps his work at Refrigerator Logic at 40 degrees F.

Visit Tuffy's author page — Tuffy's Blog