Satire: How to Win the 2016 Olympic Bid - Page 2

- A Trixie in every pot! (Suckers.)

- R. Kelly will sleep with all their daughters. (This may not actually be part of the bid.)

- Promise them all Cubs World Series rings just as soon as the Cubs win one. (Feel free to write this off after the amortization period.)

- Chicago is well known for its bold and innovative architecture. Give each IOC member a brownstone building, being sure to mention that you're sure Frank Lloyd Wright once took a squat near the building or some such.

- Every IOC member that asks about Al Capone gets to fire a tommy gun, drink rotgut, and be arrested for tax evasion.

- Saku Koivu is an IOC member; offer him the Blackhawks' GM post. No one in Finland will notice and no one in Chicago will care.

- Everyone gets his or her own authentic Chicago winter parking spot security device. (Authentic Chicago winter parking spot security device may or may not look like a plastic lawn chair.)

- IOC members get a jazz musician to take home with them. Remember, though, a jazz musician is a responsibility, IOC members. You have to feed and bathe them and keep them in cheap gin or else they'll give up their dreams and get into advertising like their fathers always wanted them to do and then you'll have to put them down.

- And you get a car! And you get a car! And you get a car! Everybody gets a car! WOOOOOOOO!

- Finally, in honor of its status as a major financial center, Chicago should provide all IOC members with briefcases stacked with commemorative United States $100 bills, direct from the Federal Reserve Bank of Chicago. (If IOC members should accidentally lose or spend their briefcase full of money, additional briefcases would be available upon request.)

Good luck with your bid efforts, Chicago. Remember the Chicago way: they give a hundred; you drop a thousand. They send an IOC member to Rio; you send an IOC member to Morocco with the Luvabulls in tow. That's the Chicago way, and that's how you get the Olympics! Now do you want to do that? Are you ready to do that?

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