Congratulations to Chicago, the Second-or-Third City in the United States (Wind-Aided), on being selected by the United States Olympic Committee to represent This Land, Our Land in the bidding for the 2016 Summer Olympics. The opportunity to spend billions of dollars to haphazardly upgrade existing facilities and glut the landscape with sporting and entertainment venues that will fall apart within a decade should be greeted warmly.
Chicagoans can now put the full force of their bid into the final prize: eight years of graft-laden construction balanced by four weeks of miserable commuting and millions of Chicagoans working from home (if at all). However, despite many inherent advantages (being located on the continent that's 'due' in 2016, a mayor with only slightly less power than His Holiness Juan Antonio Samaranch Salisachs, elder statesman Michael Jordan being rolled out in a wheelchair to light the torch with his cigar, etc.), Chicago 2016 cannot take the final bid process lightly.
Considering the scandal behind the last successful U.S. Olympic bid, Chicago 2016 might be hesitant to unduly influence the International Olympic Committee members. Poppycock and fiddle faddle! Why should Chicago give up its largest advantage? Corruption is Chicago's Christian name! ('Chicago' is its Indian name, taken from the Potawatomi word for "you really gonna eat that, fattie?".)
There is nothing the IOC executive board members enjoy more than bribery. The only reason these bon vivants are on the board is to be feted and reminded just how absolutely wonderful they are. In that cheerful spirit, I recommend the following methods to gain the support needed for the Chicago bid for the 2016 Olympics:
- The Salt Lake City bid for 1998 failed, in part, because they only gave the IOC evaluation commission Stetson hats. This is ridiculously cheap. Chicago, give these members double-barreled drinking helmets loaded twice over with Screaming Eagle 1994. (It's got to be an American wine.) Don't bother giving this gift to the French; throw a couple bottles of Thunderbird in the hat for them.
- Chicago has a long and wildly out-of-control tradition of naming streets after truly minor dignitaries. Name as many streets as possible after IOC members, failing to tell them all the streets are south of 95th St., where none of the members will ever go. It will add spice to local evening news scare tactics to hear about the "gangland slaying" on 101st and Sepp Blatter.
Article comments
1 - Matthew T. Sussman
Mark Prior could light the Olympic flame. Of course, he'll subsequently miss 8-12 weeks.
2 - alessandro nicolo
I hear Kerry Wood is available in 4-6.
3 - Tuffy
Chicago is covered; Ernie Banks will light it twice.