Satire: Drinking And Fantasy Baseball Do Not Mix

What time is it? Good lord, it's 1:30 in the afternoon. I need to get up. Am I... yep, I'm at home. Thank God. My mouth tastes like an old lady took a dump in it. Let's get up. Oh, Jesus. I should not have tried to stand up. I think I just twisted my ankle and fell on a cat. Since when did we have a cat? And why is it spray-painted?! My head hurts like crazy. I drank WAY too much last night. Why did we keep ordering shots? What good did that do? Ugh. I am never drinking Jagermeister again.

Um. Why is my computer on? That's not right. I hope I didn't talk to Kim on AOL after I got back. That would be disast--yeah, I sure did.

IowaDawgBOOYA187 (4:14:13 AM): heyy abby i am durnk you shouldd have been at the barr we did SO MAnyt shts. did ievre tell you your hot we shouldhang out. ar eyou78 up? come over her for a moi]]movie we can warch weahtever. yiu ahsuld just stay herrr
Auto Response from SpecialK21484 (4:14:14 AM): bed, leave a message!
SpecialK21484 (8:37:25 AM): um, ew

Yeah, I am definitely never going to talk to her again. Maybe she'll laugh it all off. Probably not.

Ha, I also left my Yahoo! fantasy baseball page up. I bet I was talking some serious shit. I love those guys.

Wait a second. Hold on. Why does it say I... oh no. No. No. No. No.

WHAT THE FUCK. NOOOOOOOO!!!! I fucking picked up Neifi Perez last night?! Motherfuck me! This is a nightmare. No. Yahoo needs to have a cancel button or something. I'll just drop Neifi and pick Bay up again. What the fuck do you mean I can't pick him up until he's off waivers?! What the fuck is that supposed to mean?! I might need to go throw up.

Okay, Adam. Think. Think. Neifi's eligible for three positions. That's good. So what if he only has one home run? That's the same as Bobby Abreu, and everyone drafted him. Plus, uh, the fact that all four of his RBI's came in one game? Um... that just makes him, uh, streaky. That's it, he's a real live wire, that Neifi.

I'm going to be sick.

It's not like Jason Bay was any good, either, right? I mean, sure, he's miles ahead of Neifi at every conceivable statistic, but it's early. Maybe Neifi can reclaim that Colorado magic. Maybe he'll get traded back to Colorado. You never know.

I need to go puke. Right now. Get to the bathroom right now. HURKKKK---oh fucking hell, is that what I think it is? Okay, yeah, that's definitely a dead cop in our bathtub.

I am really never drinking Jagermeister again.

Article Author: Adam Jacobi

Adam Jacobi has been described as a poor man's Doug Gottlieb, which means he can start looking forward to hitting at least 40% of his free throws.

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