Satire: Come Out Swingin' - Page 2

Many people might say that attacking one's wife is an inappropriate way to break out of a slump, possibly using words like "illegal" and "immoral". However, baseball players don't have to concern themselves with the former; a study done by USA Today three years ago shows 95% of athletes accused of sexual assault are not found guilty, opposed to 80-90% of those same cases going against the defendant for non-athletes.

It's hard to see how it would affect a player morally, either. If beating women were morally reprehensible, baseball teams wouldn't approach the matter with all the compassion of an actuarial table, agents wouldn't blame the assault on greedy spouses eyeing huge divorce settlements, and fans wouldn't reserve judgment until the third offense. Clearly, the Mitchell Commission would be focused on helping boys with anger issues become solid young men instead of chasing down the next important lead on Barry Bonds' true evil.

A few young men have tried the same technique in the last few weeks. Time will tell if Elijah Dukes, Alberto Callaspo, and Julio Mateo will find success in a few weeks' time. Mateo is 0-5 in limited action since his suspension for allegedly swinging at a woman. Dukes missed two whole games and smashed a home run upon his return from making multiple threats to his wife. Callaspo has just returned from his brief vacation following his alleged assault on his wife.

These gentlemen are not guaranteed success, of course. Look at Scott Erickson's statistics after his 2002 arrest for allegedly assaulting his girlfriend:

Before - 4.25 ERA & 1.18 K/BB
After - 11.85 ERA & .64 K/BB

The lesson? Don't try this method of busting out of a slump if you suck in the first place. There's even a chance you might be convicted. (Erickson wasn't, though. Neither were Lugo or Myers.)

Article Author: Tuffy

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