Satire: Come Out Swingin'

Slumps are tough. It's hard to pinpoint how a slump starts and even harder to find a way out. A slump can ruin an athlete's career if it falls during a bad moment. Baseball players especially struggle with unexplained dips in performance due to the precise nature of pitching and hitting, requiring many moving pieces to repeat their actions perfectly each time.

Therefore, baseball players spend an inordinate amount of time slumpbusting. Superstitions abound. Hats, socks, and jock straps are finally washed. Stances are changed. Charms are swapped out. Video is studied closer than the Zapruder film.

Still, there are times for certain players where none of that works. Desperation sets in. A man's livelihood is threatened. When this happens, a player will try anything to regain his best form.

A few players know of a special way to break out of a slump. Men like Brett Myers and Julio Lugo (just to name two) have tried an underpublicized method of breaking out of a slump: attack their loved ones. Each man has taken a few swings at his wife and found his way again.

It's understandable that the average reader would be incredulous about making such a connection. However, look at how Julio Lugo's 2003 campaign changed after his April 30, 2003 arrest for allegedly sending his wife to the hospital after an altercation outside Minute Maid Park in Houston.

Before - .246/.338/.292
After - .275/.333/.427

Check out that increase in slugging percentage, rising from .292 to .427; he really found more power after his wife went to the hospital.

Now consider Brett Myers' 2006 line after his June 23, 2006 arrest for allegedly taking a few swipes at his wife on a public street in Boston:

Before - 3.77 ERA & 2.33 K/BB
After - 4.03 ERA & 3.73 K/BB

As you can see, his ERA rose slightly, but his ability to locate the ball improved after multiple witnesses reported seeing Myers focusing on a single target that night. His ratio of strikeouts to bases-on-balls became much better after his return from personal leave.

Article Author: Tuffy

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