On Monday night, the New York Jets will be coming to Gillette Stadium to try and maintain sole possession of first place in the AFC East and tussle Tom Brady's hair before they prance out of the stadium whistling. The New England Patriots, meanwhile, will look to keep that from happening as they steal first place out from under Rex Ryan, which will be difficult because he has been indulging heavily in the holiday eggnog a little early this year.
To win this game, both teams will need a lot of grit, determination, luck, and sneaker endorsement deals. It's hard to predict which will come out on top. Rather than ramble on about useless facts and statistics, I will now explain for you exactly what each team will need to do in order to win. I have determined my list by calling upon my many years of battle-hardened analytical skills developed from the Madden video game franchise and two whole years of fantasy football.
New York Jets
- Mark Sanchez must prove that he is of legal age to play in the NFL, as he may be the youngest looking 24-year-old professional athlete I have ever seen. It might be in his best interest to let a few linemen pummel him for awhile, to toughen his face a bit.
- LaDainian Tomlinson needs to change his first name to "Ladanian," because I almost always spell it incorrectly on the first attempt and I'm tired of getting yelled at by bitter Chargers fans, all of whom seem to still believe Tomlinson is playing in San Diego.
- Mike DeVito, who looks and is named like a member of the Sicilian Mafia, must break Tom Brady's legs with a tire iron while successfully evading the suffocating onslaught of teenage women that will attempt to turn him into body glitter afterward.
- Rex Ryan must prove, as he has asserted in recent days, that he is just as beautiful and fancy as Tom Brady by posing for GQ while riding a horse shirtless. It also might be a good idea to get his wife into a more suitable periodical venue, such as Cosmopolitan. InStyle isn't going to cut it.