In just a few days, Peyton Manning and the Colts will make the long, dangerous journey to Gillette Stadium through the treacherous means of private air travel with gourmet meals and attractive flight attendants. We can only hope they manage to survive so that they can take on Tom Brady and the Patriots in a fierce battle of strength and resilience that promises to produce some of the most intense analysis ever produced by sports journalists since the last time these two teams met (2009).
In preparation for the epic battle, I am now going to offer my very own analysis. I will tell you, the reader, exactly what will have to happen for each team to win, and then I will engage in a knife fight with any analyst that disagrees with me. You have to assert your dominance in the analysis world, or you risk being told that you might be wrong.
Keys for the Colts:
- Peyton Manning must make at least seven audibles that result in thrilling and nail biting timeouts in which Jim Caldwell pretends the new play call was his idea all along.
- Randy Moss must make a surprise appearance for the Patriots and immediately launch into a tirade about "respect" and "honor" while wearing headphones that were clearly not designed to be worn by any human, distracting Belichick from continuing his "death stare of action."
- The camera must show Eli Manning looking tense and concerned at least once in every quarter, even if the Colts are winning by 40 and Eli is not, technically, there.
- Belichick will have to be further distracted beyond Randy Moss by fighting off a valiant offensive by the special teams in an effort to free their kidnapped family members from the Belichick Dungeon.
- Tom Brady must be deported to Algeria.