On Sunday, the Patriots finally play a game of football on a Sunday, in Chicago against the Bears, who are 9-3 in 2010. Coming off a shellacking of the Jets that left Rex Ryan physically incapable of eating vegetables, Bill Belichick and his squad look to take on another great defense.
The Bears, meanwhile, are fresh from an embarrassing almost-loss to the Lions, a team that insists on continuing to play in Detroit despite indisputable proof that it is, in fact, Detroit. They will be looking to assert their ability to win the "big game" by beating the streaking Patriots at home.
To win this game, each team will need to have, at minimum, six independent appearances on SportsCenter before Saturday afternoon, and the Patriots are solidly in the lead at 4-1. Assuming the Bears can't catch up, they will be desperate for each of the following "keys to the game" that are of paramount importance to the outcome of the anticipated contest.
- Jay Cutler will need to remember exactly what he ate for breakfast the morning before beating the Eagles on November 28th, because he will need every inch of his Wheaties to take on the fearless Belichick, who eats babies before kickoff.
- Lovie Smith will need to legally change his first name to something more manly, like Chuck or Biff, so that he can forget that he almost lost to the Lions, something not easily forgiven.
- Mike Ditka will need to be somehow involved in the game in a crucial way, perhaps as the placekicker, to prevent the inevitable haunting and massacre at the hands of the ghost of Chris Farley.
- Chicago will need to prevent the resurgence of the Joker and his crew, who has been unwittingly unleashed on the city by Christopher Nolan, who cares not for human lives but only box office success.