Nobody Can Stop Randy Moss Except Rachelle Washington

I don't know if she's fast. I don't know if she can read routes. Hell, I don't even know if she has legs. But she does have a restraining order against Randy Moss, meaning the New England Patriots wide receiver cannot come within 500 feet of her.

Five hundred feet is well more than the length of a football stadium. So I'm at a loss as to why the San Diego Chargers haven't signed Rachelle Washington to a one-game contract and stick her in the end zone during Sunday's game against the Patriots. Having just ten actual football players on defense might be worth it if it means Moss cannot be Tom Brady's deep threat.

Or if that's too silly and they need the full eleven, just give her a press pass. Let her be a Chargers clubhouse attendant or trainer. Give her a front row ticket to the game. It doesn't matter exactly in what capacity she's there, because any option spells a large Moss-free radius.

Now, Randy Moss is denying the allegations that he inflicted physical harm on Washington, and I'm not here to judge who's telling the truth, because that's for a, well, a judge. And the judge has judged that this restraining order was a fitting legal procedure.

The Chargers probably don't care who's lying either. The Chargers simply care about beating the Patriots on Sunday, because then that means they will play in their first Super Bowl in 13 years. I'm more than sure Ms. Washington would be keen on anything that would cause Randy Moss grief.

And I'm sure there's some kind of legal rule that if the petitioner follows the respondent around, the restraining order doesn't count. I didn't say it was foolproof. But it's worth a shot, because the last time the Chargers tried to nullify Moss's game back in Week 2 of the NFL season, it worked to the tune of 8 catches for 105 yards and two touchdowns.

I would also love to see how the Patriots would counter this gambit. Would Bill Belichick find a way to legally — or "legally" — remove Washington from the stands? Would they double whatever San Diego's paying her? Do they get that 14-year-old girl who was booed in Indianapolis to accuse Shawne Merriman of child abuse?

Or do they just build a cloning machine and clone Randy Moss? Because while I am not a lawyer, I'm pretty sure restraining orders don't apply to Doppelgängers.

Article Author: Matthew T. Sussman

Sussman is the sports editor of BC Magazine and the executive editor of Technorati. He also writes for Deadspin and Toledo Free Press. He and Tuffy can be heard hosting the Treehouse Fort, Sundays at 12 noon ET. Plus, he Twitters. …

Visit Matthew T. Sussman's author page — Matthew T. Sussman's Blog