I miss Joe Theismann. I wish T.O. was still a drama queen. I keep looking for Bengals on The Smoking Gun. And where are the tales of cheerleaders making out in the ladies room? All these things I used to lampoon and sneer at with a derisive undertone. I would subtly — or perhaps not so subtly — suggest them to be ridiculous, petty distractions from what really counted: the game on the field. And now all these things are gone, and I miss them.
The unprecedented bad behavior of the off season was the last straw. The League, and The Law, came down hard on the worst offenders and rightly so. Tank Johnson is back but on his best behavior. Pacman turned snitch. Michael Vick is in the pokey, still has charges pending, and is probably close to bankruptcy. All of those are non-stories at this point, which is good because we're talking about serious crimes here.
But the entire atmosphere changed and it trickled down to some places it probably shouldn't have. Ocho Cinco has been in a funk, both physically and verbally (and dentally). Clinton Portis was so desperate for some sort of fun he brought back his drag act. Have we seen a coach meltdown to the press yet? Can you imagine the show if Dennis Green got accused of cheating or Bill Parcells had an interception return nullified by an inadvertent whistle? At what point did everyone turn into Art Shell?
Last year I was able to dedicate a paragraph or two each week to the unintentionally comic stylings of Joe Theismann. Now, not only is Joe gone, but they banned Jimmy Kimmel for joking about Joe being gone. How'd you like to be the poor sap who thought he scored a dream internship with ESPN only to find his job is to hose down plenty of blankets for use in the MNF broadcast. We do have Emmitt Smith in the studio now, but comparing Joe to Emmitt is like comparing Steve Carell to Gallagher.
Who's at fault for all dire seriousness? Me, although less so than others. Yes, I did snicker and sneer and condescend at the sideshows, but at least I didn't get indignant. I didn't call for anyone's job. I never went off on a diatribe about the need to be a role model. I never got up on my high horse to wave the flag of self-righteousness. But sanctimony has been a hallmark of sports journalism for quite some time. Mitch Albom and Mike Lupica convene their own little Vatican Council every Sunday morning. As soon as a sports journalist gets any juice the first thing he does is start a hard-hitting expose series called "Outside the Lines" or "Behind the Scenes" or "Under the Couch" or something. Of course, the Internet turns everyone into judge and jury. Just read the comments sections on espn.com or foxsports.com and you'll see what I mean, providd you can deal with the rampant illiteracy.
Article comments
1 - Matthew T. Sussman
If you're looking for NFL comic relief, look no further than KSK's "Wade and Jerry."
2 - RJ
When I saw the spread was 22 points, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. But I still don't think it's high enough...
3 - RJ
Nice call on the Vikes and Bengals.
4 - david mazzotta
What a weekend! Looks like 3-2 v. spread and up close to $300 on the money line.
All the more sweet because I am writing this from a strip-side room at Wynn Las Vegas.
Um, gotta go...