Stallone — who has got to be about 60 years old, 5'6", 230lbs. — has jowls so thick that he could play Vito Corleone without the mouth props.
Theismann keeps calling him "Sly," because he's so on the inside with celebs since his stellar performance in Cannonball Run 2 and that episode of B.J. and the Bear.
Kornhorny makes him say "Yo Adrian!" like some kind of blithering fanboy and asks him about beating meat. Then he makes him say "Yo Tony!" I guess we're lucky he didn't ask him to autograph his breasts.
On to the picks. Click the headings for the spreadsheets.
Games with the wrong favorite
Baltimore is getting 3 from KC (I had to do a double take on that one). The Ravens are even better after KCs home adjustment. Pick: Ravens +3
Minnesota is getting 2 from the Lions and similarly, they have a higher rating even after the home adjustment. The Lions, as it turns out, have the worst defense in the League, but Minnesota's offense is almost equally bad and they seem to be in QB experimentation mode, so it's questionable how well they'll capitalize on it. Plus, the Vikes are abysmal against the pass and the Lions have their new hot shot receiver Josh McCown. Think I'll pass.
Atlanta is giving 3 to Tampa Bay when the Bucs are superior after the home adjustment. Again, considering recent performances it's hard to go with the Bucs, especially since Atlanta still has playoff hopes but this year is a silently acknowledged write off for Tampa Bay. Pass.
Indy is giving 2 to Jacksonville. The schizoid Jags are superior after the home adjustment. This is another tough one to take. Indy's D is certainly in the toilet. But what about Peyton and what about Joseph Addai? In last week's loss to the Titans, everyone was focused on Vince Young, but the real story was how the Titans limited what is one of the best offenses in history to 17 points. And the question for this week is whether the Jags to perform similarly. I have no confidence that they can. Pass.
Games where the spread is too high
It's tempting to take the 7.5 points the Steelers are giving the Browns in Pittsburgh. The Browns are showing signs of life. The Steelers are hammered and will be without Troy Polamalu, safety Ryan Clark, and both starting wide receivers. Can they win by more than a TD in that situation? I'll give in to temptation. Pick: Browns +7.5
Article comments
1 - themurph544
I like the added review of the 3 ring circus called Monday Night Football. I feel like I am watching the View (yes I said it) or Letterman, someone is always pitching a movie or book, and now pretending to know something about football. And watching the giddy school girls interview these “stars” is classic. If Mick was still alive he would have never let the Rock eat that last cheese steak.
2 - Matthew T. Sussman
Know what would stop Tony Romo?
Field of rakes.
3 - Matthew T. Sussman
As for MNF's guest next week?
You guessed it. Frank Stallone.
4 - RJ Elliott
"Browns +7.5"
Jesus Christ.
I'm willing to reconsider my ideological opposition to waiting periods for handguns, just so Mazzotta doesn't do anything foolish... :-/
5 - Matthew T. Sussman
It's a final: Vegas 7.5, Browns 7
6 - david mazzotta
Oh, it's long past that stage RJ.
Although Rambo IV is coming... Charles Manson blamed the Beatles, maybe I could blame Stallone.
7 - Nigger
"Packers +5"
Are you kidding me?
Once the niners beat the packers crazy, you'll learn!
8 - david mazzotta
Hey, everybody! It's Cosmo Kramer!
9 - RJ Elliott
"I'm Cosmo Kramer, The Assman."
10 - david mazzotta
5-4 vs. the spread. Not great but I'm glad for one in the "W" column.
Looks like 6-1 on the money line. Wowie zowie! That's huge!
11 - RJ Elliott
Great job!
I correctly picked a few 'dogs (Baltimore, Tennessee, Jacksonville, and Arizona), but I'm still at a miserable 7-8 for the week so far... :-/