Back when I was a mere wisp of a lad, our report cards had three possible grades: "S" for satisfactory, "I" for improving, and "N" for needs to improve. You were either doing okay (S) or you weren't (N), and if you weren't, you were either getting better (I) or you weren't (still N). Getting a report card of all "S" grades was good for a dollar reward from the parents, which is the equivalent of nearly six whole dollars in current money. Nothing to be sneezed at.
I was an "all esses" kind of kid for quite a while. In fact, I was so confident in my ability to score the big "S" that, one day, in third grade, upon getting my report card and handing it to my Mom, I smugly announced, "All esses," without even looking at it. Unfortunately, my mom had to get all Trust-But-Verify about things.
I had received my first "N." My jaw dropped. I stared at the distastefully angular letter in horror and shock. My mom was sanguine, telling me not to worry and that I could get my mojo back with the next report card, but I was shattered. I mark that as the point where my academic career began its steady spiral into the depths of sub-mediocrity, kind of like Danny Bonaduce.
So it is with a good deal of trepidation that I grade my pre-season team-by-team round-up. Luckily, I'm too old for summer school. Let's work in reverse order from pre-season. Starting with the bottom of the AFC.
Houston Texans and Tennessee Titans I was so convinced these two were big losers that I wrote them both off as "suck ass" in a single sentence. And I was right. Both have shown twitches of life — the Texans offense has the middle of the road in sight — but I was way more right than wrong. Grade: A-
Buffalo Bills I accused them of decisions that were worthy of Isaiah Thomas. They're not that bad, but still pretty hopeless. Grade: B+
Cleveland Browns I couldn't find anything interesting to say about the Browns, and now, well, let's see: they fired their offensive coordinator and, um, then there's, uh, hmmm... Grade: A (Apologies to Craig Lyndall)
New York Jets They aren't that good. No better than I supposed, but their creampuff schedule means they may be the worst playoff team in the history of the NFL. Results are results. Grade: C-
Oakland Raiders The only thing I got wrong here was that Aaron Brooks went out due to natural causes rather than Randy Moss introducing him to his little friend. Art Shell is a mannequin on Prozac. High comedy, as predicted. Gawd, I hope these last two wins don't mean they are turning it around. What a waste that would be. Grade: A-
Article comments
1 - Tinkerbell
I keep tellin' ya, you'd do much better if you graded them on their helmets or how well their socks compliment their uniforms or something along those lines--you know, something a bit more logical than that DVOA, schmee-voa.
-tink
2 - david mazzotta
That wouldn't work. I would have to pick against the Patriots every week just on the basis of Belichek's fashion sense.
3 - 5 and 2 BITCH
Talk all the shit you want but were 5-2 and heading to shitty ass BUC land!
4 - Tinkerbell
Can you hear that groan? That's Tom Landry from the grave, every time he sees Belichek don those sloppy sweatshirts with the elbow-cut-offs.
NFW would I ever bet based on coaching fashion sense. Completely unreliable methodology of analysis. Coaching outbursts and inappropriate comments during press conferences, maybe. But fashion as it applies to coaches? Never. (Now player fashion, that's a different story...)
Big sigh. You should probably stick to your spreadsheets-and-stats-for-those-who-get-outpicked-by-girls method.
5 - david mazzotta
Even money says '5 and 2 BITCH' is Ray Nagin.
6 - david mazzotta
Tinkerbell, you're saying the Lions should fire Millen and hire Armani?
7 - Matthew T. Sussman
"The Cardinals are what I thought they were!"
Then crown their ass, David!
8 - Tinkerbell
Nice choice. Armani is one of the best Italian designers. However, his style is too classic and understated. I'd recommend something along the lines of John Paul Gaultier, as he mixes a street feel with the club scene, although he can lean toward the artistic side of design. As long as he stays away from surrealism, he'd be a good choice for the Lions. But....given that the Lion aren't a real NFL team anyway, your question is basically unanswerable.
9 - RJ Elliott
How long before Millen goes into full-on Baghdad Bob mode and starts claiming that the Lions have clinched the division? Then how long after that until Bill Ford Jr. orders the box office to sell playoff tickets?
Time out to send a good thought to my colleague RJ who has been making picks since the beginning of the season. RJ has an odd neurosis a strict policy of picking the Lions to win no matter what. That means he starts every week with a one game handicap.
RJ is also known to have the largest collection of St. Jude paraphernalia in the known world.
Dude...I laughed so hard I wept. Thanks for that. :-)
10 - RJ Elliott
Line Picks
Ravens, $58.82 WIN
Packers, $160 LOSE
Lions, $200 WIN!!!
Chiefs, $120 WIN
Saints, $83.33 WIN
Broncos, $125 WIN
Nice week so far, my friend...
11 - RJ Elliott
Spread Picks
Packers +3 LOSE
Ravens -3 WIN
Steelers -2 LOSE
Cowboys -3 LOSE
Well...I think you're still up money...let's see how the Pats-Colts game turns out!
12 - david mazzotta
1-4 v. the spread. I am ashamed and shocked. WTF!?!? This is awful.
Line picks come through again though, with a gain of 387.15.
13 - ROBERT
Hey man, we all have our off weeks.
Of course, some people (like Chris Mortensen) have them pretty much every seven days...