Why should anyone be excited for the NFL Draft? Mel Kiper Jr. has already told us exactly what will happen in the first four rounds, and if you sweet talk him he'll probably tell you the final three.
So has Kiper — known as "Commander Hairgel" to the three people who don't yet think my quips are the bane of the universe — sucked the fun out of the draft? If so, then this mock draft may be the appropriate vaccine.
There's only one criterion for this draft: The player picked is he whose last name is the first guy alphabetically after the team's mascot.
Hey, I could have been crazier. Coulda used Scrabble values.
1 — Texans: Mike Thaler, Defensive Tackle, Bowling Green (Rated 82nd in his position)
Analysis: Even though I remember watching him play in college, I still don't know how you pronounce the "a" in his last name. Hopefully when Houston negotiates his contract they'll bring it up.
2 — Saints: John Saldi, Outside Linebacker, Texas Tech (Rated 70th)
Analysis: Seems like no matter what New Orleans does in the first round, the pick always ends up pouring Saldi on their wounds.
3 — Titans: Albert Toeaina, Offensive Tackle, Tennessee (Rated 27th)
Analysis: A product of Volunteer football, the big strike against him is the number of consecutive non-repeating vowels in his name. Maybe they can trade one of those superfluous "a"s to the Patriots' Gene Mruczkowski in exchange for a sixth round draft pick.
4 — Jets: Brandon Johnson, Outside Linebacker, Louisville (Rated 10th)
Analysis: By drafting a Louisville player, somewhere Tom Jackson and Lee Corso are smiling. Actually Tom Jackson is smiling and Lee Corso is making wacky sound effects.
5 — Packers: Chase Page, Defensive Tackle, North Carolina (Rated 52nd)
Analysis: When the Packers time runs out, I hope they make this pick and decide not to have press conference after press conference saying that they're not sure who to pick, and to ask the NFL for as much time as they need until they decide whether or not they want to pick Chase Page. Please note that this punch line was written before Wednesday morning. It was funnier then.
6 — 49ers: Brady Fosmark, Defensive End, Weber State (Rated 72nd)
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Article comments
1 - sal m
i would like to see a draft limited to species (or close proximity), in that the drafting team can only pick a player who's college team's mascot is from the same species as the pro team.
so for instance,kaloma cardwell from my alma mater could still be picked by the cardinals because lehigh's mascot is a mountain hawk.
and the dolphins pick of the wide receiver from hofstra would be disallowed, although the lions could pick this member of hofstra's pride.
2 - Matthew T. Sussman
I think you're onto something here, although I suspect the Packers night not have much to pick from. These days few mascots symbolize the handling of raw meat.
3 - DJRadiohead
The Boilermakers are only one step away though, Suss.
4 - Matthew T. Sussman
No, I believe the Steelers will pick Purdue clean.
Right now I'm thinking Nebraska, because they are both in the food processing industry.
5 - DJRadiohead
The Packers could also make an argument for Colorado.
6 - Andy Marsh
Matt - what's a TPS? I probably know it, but I've spent the last week working on my daughters car and one of the problems was a throttle position sensor...so...that's all I can come up with for those letters...HELP!
7 - Matthew T. Sussman
You may need to rent this for it to make sense.
8 - Andy Marsh
As soon as I read the line on the link...I had a pic in my head of that scene in the movie...
9 - crazae
what does {heh. "bimper"} supposed 2 mean?