Want to know what I think about the Michael Phelps marijuana controversy? Give him three and a half years in prison, because that's how long it will be before he's interesting again.
Now to more important issues: Free Charles Barkley!
Look, I know that getting arrested driving drunk in search of a prostitute is 1000 times worse than hitting a bong at a frat party, but what needs to be factored in here is that Charles is about 10 million times more entertaining than Michael Phelps.
That moment where Phelps won the gold by a fingertip? Maybe that moment was as entertaining as say, perhaps any Thursday that the Chuckster stays in bed all day eating.
Some people hate it when celebrities get special treatment. "I can't get liquored up and threaten the streets in my convertible looking for a way to pay money to cheat on my wife."
No, you can't. No one else can, except Charles Barkley. Nelson Mandela can't. Barack Obama can't. Rush Limbaugh can't. Bill Clinton can't even though I know that he wants to desperately.
Why? Because they are not Charles Barkley!
No one else alive gives me guaranteed joy, quite like The Round Mound of Rebound – so dude gets a pass. Get him back on TNT and get those T-Mobile ads back in rotation.
The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I love that commercial where Chuck yells, "Get me them socks!" enough that somehow the rest of my tragic life doesn't seem nearly so dire anymore:
Yes. I'm saying it. Give me back the Black Rhino by the NBA All-Star Weekend or there will be bits and pieces of me all over the front walk of the Empire State Building!
Seriously, do you think Charles is taking this sabbatical to actually work on his life?
Take my word for it. He's not in therapy. He's not in couples counseling. He's just taking a taxi to the night clubs for a while. He's Charles freaking Barkley!