Sports: not something I usually dip into when looking for writing inspiration. But, when something as silly as the ESPN Halloween Derby appears as part of the Monday Night Football halftime show, how can I pass on the opportunity to strut my athletic self?
Okay, so I'm not really athletic, nor am I going to attempt to wow sports fans with any great knowledge of football. What I will do, however, is let you in on the fact I caught part of the Monday Night Football game and halftime show. Yes, it happens.
So, what was the big deal about the Derby? Well, hmmm ... how to explain ... You see, there were a bunch of people dressed up as MNF commentators for Halloween, big heads and all. And then there were the masks! Oh, sorry. Anyway, huge replicas of each MNF sportscaster, big floppy feet, and a dash across the football field were the main components of the ESPN Halloween Derby. There were some cheerleaders standing beside each of the "heads," but other than shaking their pompoms, they had little else to do.
Represented were Tom Jackson, Mike Tirico, Chris Berman, Joe Theismann, Tony Kornheiser, Michael Irvin, and Steve Young. An impressive lineup for sure. There could have been others I've failed to mention, but, honestly, the tears of laughter meant much of the "derby" was blur.
From the moment the figures began the race, I was counting the seconds until someone tripped over their big boofy feet. It took all the way until the return lap for "Mike Tirico" to land a face plant on national television. I knew from the start he was in trouble. An early lead quickly petered out as he visibly slowed. Maybe he feared the inevitable fall, or maybe he couldn't see. Whatever the cause, Steve Young tromped his way to the head of the pack, eventually claiming the title of ESPN Halloween Derby Champion.
Forgive my simplistic reporting, but images of the race continue to cloud my sensibilities and I can't seem to control my laughter.
Article comments
1 - Matthew T. Sussman
You know, they really should have gone all out on the Berman combover. They were way too lenient on that. WHOOP!
2 - Joan Hunt
tell me about it!
And, seriously, couldn't they have included one of the female reporters? Talk about sexism! Oh, we weren't, were we?
3 - Matthew T. Sussman
We weren't but we can.
Suzy Kolber was busy baking us a delicious pie.
4 - Joan Hunt
I hope it was boysenberry. I like boysenberry. Actually, my favorite is lemon meringue, but that's sort of out of season now, isn't it?
If she could come clean my house, I'd be happy to forget everything.
5 - Matthew T. Sussman
Well first she's gotta get all that ironing done.
6 - Joan Hunt
I don't have much ironing, but I could use help getting the clothes folded. And put away. And the kitchen needs help. The living room could use a once over, too.
7 - Tom
And if you watch MNF for the football, you might consider this the low point of ESPN's history.
8 - Joan Hunt
Truth be told, I rarely watch MNF and only managed to catch what I did last night because the roommate HAD to see the game. Well, up until halftime. After that, I got the remote back.
I really haven't watched much football for years. I don't feel an alliance with any single team anymore. Teams have changed, players have changed, the coverage has changed. It's nowhere near as fun as it used to be for me.
9 - Matthew T. Sussman
Now now,
I'll take MNF over any "reality" television.
10 - Joan Hunt
Normally I'd agree, but football doesn't hold the fascination for me that it once did. You know, back when Dan Fouts was QB for the Chargers. (Quit laughing, Suss!)
11 - Tom
I agree, Matthew. But really, that halftime race was a train wreck from start to finish. I do understand the reasoning behind an MNF production...to try and get more eyeballs to the network. And yes, they got me to watch, only to solidify the theory in my mind that ESPN keeps sinking lower and lower to the lowest common denominator.
12 - Joan Hunt
Of course the race was a train wreck! It was supposed to be. That's exactly why I liked it.
13 - Matthew T. Sussman
Well, just answer me this.
If you hear the name LaDainian Tomlinson, does it mean anything to you?
(And can anyone find video or even a Polaroid of that halftime race?)
14 - Joan Hunt
I know who LT is. There's just not the same passion for the team like there used to be. I likely lost interest around the time of the strike in the 80s. Or maybe it was the whole Manning/Leaf draft that killed the joy I once felt.
As for video of halftime antics, I've even checked ESPN and not found a shred of film. Perhaps they've burned it. Even YouTube is coming up empty -- for now.
15 - Matthew T. Sussman
Yeah, a thing like Ryan Leaf will pretty much doom a franchise. And the Merriman steroids suspension can't help much either.
16 - Joan Hunt
Leaf was such a peckerhead. His attitude sucked the life out of the franchise. But, you know what? It was eerily similar to when Jim McMahon was QB'ing. Hell, when he was sidelined and Toliver was on the field, McMahon wouldn't even bother watching the action. He'd sit or stomp around with a scowl on his face, souring the entire experience for anyone unfortunate enough to catch a glimpse of him. I had the same exact reaction each and every time Leaf appeared on my TV.
And then I come back to Fouts. I don't care what others thought of him, what I saw was a true leader, a man capable of pulling a team together, a part of the community at large, and man with a mission. The entire team was part of San Diego. It was as though we were one big family.
We could lose every single game and it wouldn't matter. We had The Man, we had The Team! Louie Kelcher, Kellen Winslow, Charlie Joiner, Big Hands Johnson, Rolf (!), James Brooks (forget his later "issues" while in Cincinnati), these were our guys. These were the men we had faith in. And for the most part, we didn't have huge egos.
Sure, there have been other players who made San Diegans proud -- Natron Means, Junior Seau, etc. But few could rally an entire squad like Fouts.
I guess that's pretty much beside the point, isn't it? I was asked about LT. I know who he is. I'm familiar with his work. But I don't think I'll ever look at the Chargers, or any other team, with the same affection and admiration as I did once upon a time in the 80s.
17 - Joan Hunt
Oh my God. Looking back on that last comment, I sound like I'm yelling for a bunch of young whippersnappers to get off my lawn!
18 - Matthew T. Sussman
That mean old witch who lives down the street wearing the Lance Alworth jersey won't let us play on her street.
19 - Joan Hunt
You callin' me a witch? You callin' me old?
Lance Alworth, my ass. He was before my time.
You really wanna know whose jersey I'd wear? Only three names would ever grace my back. Fouts. Payton. Greer. 'Course, I'd have to have Greer's name embroidered...
20 - Mark Saleski
what, you don't have a Joe Bonamassa jersey? c'mon, yer kiddin' me!! ;-)
21 - Joan Hunt
1) Bonamassa doesn't play football
and
B) He doesn't have jerseys as part of his merch.
Don't make me stick my tongue out at you. Or intimate that your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. I will taunt you if necessary.