Even the well-spoken members of the sporting profession have learned the Crash Davis Rule: Don't say anything. Fans do not reward creative and thoughtful responses that sound remotely controversial with only rare exception. (Thank you, Gilbert Arenas; don't settle in, though.)
It only encourages the types of forced conflict that are required to get through a 24-hour news cycle. It certainly does not help rake in the endorsements for mid-tier to star-level athletes that help fund the 50-year retirements most athletes suffer if their real estate license doesn't come through.
Therefore, I come to you with one request, gentle sports lover: stop encouraging the media to talk to boring athletes. No more halftime interviews. No more post-game interviews. No more one-on-one pieces conducted by interviewers that would struggle eliciting interesting bon mots from excellent subjects, much less the usual dullards. They don't have anything to offer you.
When these drab attempts to get you closer to the game appear in your local paper or on television, skip them. Change channels until the next commercial break ends. Skim past the ads on those pages. Scrape the digital signature of those talk radio stations off your virtual dial. Don't let the athletes or the jock-sniffers do this to you.
Despite moving recently and not leaving a forwarding address, the motivational seminar people found me and started sending advertisements for their next big shindig in Chicago. This year's obligatory local sports celebrity is Chicago Bears head coach Lovie Smith, clearly showing they learned from previous efforts by selecting someone with slightly more speaking experience if no more interesting things to say.
Still, I don't think I'll make it this year. I'll be too busy making tons of money off the great idea I had during the last seminar: my 12 DVD set on how to make your son into a multi-millionaire left-handed pitcher and functional illiterate.
Article comments
1 - david
a lacking aptitude in public speaking is not absolutely indicative of a one-dimensional person.
2 - Tuffy
Excellent clarification. However, lacking aptitude in public speaking and being one-dimensional is indicative of an athlete.
3 - ben
Going to a stupid motivational seminar and complaining about its content is about the stupidest thing I've ever encountered. What's your next trick? Going to a NASCAR race and complaining that it's boring and repetitive? You just live to whine and fail, don't you?
4 - Matthew T. Sussman
I know, almost like complaining about an article online.
5 - Graham McKnight
A colorfully written article; your choice of words were a pleasure on the eye.
I am uncomfortable with the notion that the universal athlete is ineffective at addressing the public though. In the very least, they serve as a bridge between policy pushers and the masses.
6 - Tuffy
Graham, excellent point, but players are ill-equipped for that role. Also, I am similarly uncomfortable with the notion of the worker class acting as a buffer for the owner class. Let the well-compensated public relations firms handle this task.