Bobby Bowden Needs You! Join Florida State!

Unfortunately, Florida State has found its moral compass between the seat cushions of Jenn Sterger's Jetta just before its Music City Bowl appearance on New Year's Eve. After a dismal 7-5 record, the loss of 36 players (and rising) due to misconduct or "injuries" caps off a season Florida State fans would soon like to forget. (In only this sense, they wish they were more like Bobby Bowden.)

However, the show must always go on in Nashville. Television contracts have been signed and it doesn't terribly matter whose bodies are abused as long as the proud Seminole glares out from their chests during the run onto the field. (After this, every Florida State fan will black out from alcohol poisoning. It's another case where tradition saves the day.)

Therefore, a call has gone out to everyone with NCAA football eligibility remaining, from 18-77 (so Bowden is still older than his players). If you ever wanted to play in a bowl game and collect a free fleece, now's your chance to become a real-life football player (and get paid like one!).

Fortunately, Tuffy's Testing Service (makers of obscure one-off tests since 2006) has the market cornered on screening potential football players needed for one bowl game. Below is Version B12 of the screening exam as an example of what TTS can offer you, Bobby Bowden, in your hour of need.

Florida State NCAA Football Eligibility Exam

(can be taken online)

Name:
Location:
Alibi Contact Information:

Short answer:
1) Do you have NCAA eligibility left? (If unsure, reply "yes".)
2) Please fill in your measurements here. (Genitalia size is unnecessary; you'll be a college football player, where it won't matter anymore.)
3) How fast can you run 40 yards? (Yes, all at one time.)
4) What is your primary position? ("On the couch" is not a football position. Also, no one thinks your ability to list the contents of the Kama Sutra is impressive.)
5) Do you understand that "Rudy" was just a movie and most of that was made up? If not, do you at least understand that being a hobbit is not a benefit to your football career?
6) Can you identify Bobby Bowden's sons by sight? If so, do you know how to keep them away from the playcalling headset?
7) Do you have the ability to give mouth to mouth to Bobby Bowden when he forgets to breathe?
8) Do you have the ability to give mouth to mouth to a co-ed that didn't?
9) In one paragraph, write about how you are smarter than every college football coach out there (except Coach Bowden) and how you proved it while watching a game one Saturday in 2003.
10) Briefly describe the injury to your knee/shoulder/back that kept you from competing beyond high school football and joining the NFL. If you are over 35, it is expected you will mention how this injury helps you push your male children beyond the breaking point so they "learn how to compete like I did."

Article Author: Tuffy

Tuffy cares about you. While others have neglected you, Tuffy has not forgotten you. Just lie back and think of Tuffy. Tuffy keeps his work at Refrigerator Logic at 40 degrees F.

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