I got rhythm
I got music
I got my man
Who could ask for anything more?
- George Gershwin
So you think you can dance in the NFL? That's certainly what the Chicago Bears wanted us to believe as they stepped on the national stage Sunday night against a relatively quiet Green Bay squad. Jay Cutler will sew the costumes, Matt Forte will build the sets, and soon we'll take this team all the way to Miami!
Unfortunately, the syncopated rhythm between Jay Cutler and his gritty band of receiving hoofers provided anguish for Bears fans not unlike that of the attendees of Talent Night at Payton College Prep (though not as painful as it was for attendees of Kozlowski High School of Music and the Art of Fisticuffs) in a 21-15 loss to the Green Bay Packers in the charming hamlet of Green Bay.
Sadly, Jay and the Cutlerettes failed to remember the keys to dancing success, leading to four interceptions and more missed connections than Craigslist (17-for-36) while the Packers brought it on in the form of intense pressure on Jay Cutler all night.
Therefore, we at Minstrels of the Midway provide a public service to the Bears' offense by offering a cheat sheet with the steps to victory, starting with a ball change:
1. Practice, practice, practice.
Remember how Earl Bennett was supposed to have a mindmeld with Jay Cutler because of their years at Vanderbilt (team motto: the SEC school that also has classes)? Remember how bringing them together was like reuniting an old couple and they would be finishing their sentences while finishing TD receptions?
Instead, Bears fans were gifted with the plot from Hancock, where bringing them together makes them mortal and makes us underwhelmed. A little work on those timing plays (in other words, all of the plays) might help a smidge.
2. Don't stop mid-routine.
Bears' receivers pulled up before the end of their routes so often it was a bit of a shocker that Johnny Knox didn't dissolve in teats while lifting up his shoe to referee Ron Winter to show him his broken cleats.
That just won't do; the judges hate it as much as defensive backs love it. Remember that your work isn't done until the music stops (or the whistle blows).