Before defining its perfect nuance, let’s take a look at why croquet gives other sports more shame than Nieman Marcus gave Sarah Palin. Basketball and soccer may have the fluidity of Coca-Cola, but you’ll end up tired and — I shudder just thinking of this — sweaty. Baseball may be “America’s pastime,” but could you really fit a baseball diamond in Camp David? Tennis may pride itself on its sportsmanlike demeanor, but croquet gives you the opportunity to whack your opponent’s ball into oblivion, or at least the neighbor’s yard. Why John McEnroe chose tennis, we’ll never know.
Sure, croquet can be described as “just another game you play with your family by the estate in [insert overtly-pompous European grounds],” but there are key differences between croquet and other sports you can play whilst decrying the loss of upper-class tax breaks. Lawn darts supposedly stump croquet in terms of danger, but as the ribs of a friend of mine can attest, croquet mallets are often harder than Michael Chiklis. And while bocce ball may always own ties to the Mafia, croquet traces its roots back to the rebellious French nobility. (Side note: The mallets can also double as sabres, leading many notable croquet historians to theorize that the Three Musketeers may have originally begun as croquet maestros. En garde!)
Croquet has surpassed all sports, even in the realm of the marital matters. Though they were unavailable for comment — likely debating what to get me for Christmas — I can attest that the marriage of Jules and Kathy “Inaugural Winner of the Jay Michel Tournament” Michel frequently cracks during a heated game of croquet. Either Jules enjoys sleeping on the couch, or he unwittingly believes that he may some day beat Kathy. Either way, croquet has influenced their marriage in ways their children could only dream of.
Truly, croquet is the sport of kings and the king of sports. Its impact is often compared to the invention of fire, and it inspired both the Taj Mahal and, if his autobiography is true, Einstein’s theory of relativity. Clearly, the world would be a worse place without it.
For those who’ve yet to enjoy the game’s unimaginable bliss, I can only hope that you come out of your shell and play a round with us, because in the end, it’s the greatest thing you shall ever do.
I mean, unless you’re listening to “Freek-A-Leek.” But that’s on a whole different level.
Article comments
1 - El Bicho
"I’m talking about the sport of croquet."
if getting drunk or stoned improves your proficiency at it, it's a game not a sport.
2 - Tan The Man
The entire career of David Wells would counter your statement El Bicho...
3 - STM
Isn't croquet the only sport that has a shot known as a "brown-eye" ...
And you all thought it was civilised and genteel.
I prefer getting my nuts ripped off, my eyes poked into the back of my skull and the living sh.t stomped out of me at the bottom of a rugby ruck. Also, at least you know you're alive, even if only just, unlike in a game of croquet.
Compared to croquet, it's played by a much nicer class of person :)
Any sport that requires you to bend over and whack a ball through your legs with a wooden mallet the size of a sledgehammer and calls that a brown eye is a sport for cads, bounders, ruffians, Americans and women of ill repute.
4 - El Bicho
One man does not a sport make, Tan. When everyone gets drunk, it's called softball.
5 - Dr Dreadful
Croquet??? It's just giant pool on grass. To hell with mallets, just grab a couple of those vaulting poles over by the track and let's play this thing properly.
(Half) seriously, though, it's a sheer historical accident that croquet is not today an international multi-million-dollar supersport. The official name of the organization that runs Wimbledon, the world's biggest tennis event, is the All-England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club.
What if it had been the club's invitational tournament in the latter sport, instead of the former, that had caught on?
For extra credit, discuss. Essays of 500 words or less, double spaced, single-sided, on my desk by this time next week, please.